McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
(Ziva laughs)

McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)

(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)
McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.
Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?
Ziva: I would not put it past you.
Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.
McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...
(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.

(Gibbs walks in on Tony and McGee with the blow-up doll)
Tony: Morning, Boss!
McGee: This isn't what it looks like, Boss.
Gibbs: Well, what is it, Tim?
McGee: Erm...a joke...I think. A really bad, practical joke.
Gibbs: I'm not laughing. (Gibbs turns and heads for his desk) Lose your gal-pal. (To everyone) Grab your gear. Got a dead Marine in Springfield.
(McGee tries effortlessly to hide the blow-up doll as the rest of the team head for the elevator)

Ziva: I did not know you were a pool dolphin, Tony.
Tony: Pool shark. And yes, I was.

(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.)
Ducky: These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.
Gibbs: The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.
Ducky: Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.

(Tony introduces Nick Miller, the boy whole charged McGee's credit card illegally)
Tony: Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
Nick: 'Sup dude.
McGee: Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Tony: Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Ziva: Who is Mrs Miller?
Tony: It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
Ziva: Oh.
McGee: It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
Nick: Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Tony: Yeah dude.
McGee: (To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Nick: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
McGee: Not every night.
Nick: Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.
(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)
Tony: You're welcome.

(Tony, McGee and Nick Miller decide to go to GameStop)
Nick: (To Ziva) Smoking hot chick! Can she come too?
(Ziva smiles and looks at Tony)
Tony: Cool it, Nick.
(Tony drags him towards the elevator as Ziva laughs)

Tony: In fact, I was champion of my Baltimore precinct in the late '90s.
Ziva: (laughing) 'Late '90s?' That makes you sound...
Tony: What, old?! Don't say old!
Ziva: I didn't say it, you did.

(Gibbs walks into the squad room)
Gibbs: Come on, grab your gear. Don't wanna miss the school bus.
Tony: Class trip, boss?
Gibbs: Got a dead petty officer in a high school stairwell. Janitor found him this morning.
Tony: Hmm. (Starts singing) Wheels on the bus go...
Gibbs: (Gibbs joins in) ...round and round, round and round, round and round...

(Tony is staring at Ziva's desk wondering where she might be)
McGee: So... where is she?
Tony: Who?
McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Tony: Oh... yes, Ziva! Actually, I hadn't noticed.
McGee: You are lying.
Tony: McGoo, unlike you, I have better things to do than to obsess over the whereabouts of our "Little Miss Fancy-Pants", Ziva.

Magnus: Morning.
(Tony turns to face Magnus wondering who it might be)
Magnus: Gorgeous day.
Tony: It's 27 degrees out. Who are you?
Magnus: My name is Magnus. I'm meeting with Dr. Mallard.
Tony: (Turning to McGee) Is Ducky in the pond yet, McGee?
McGee: (To Magnus) I haven't seen him, you're welcome to wait here though if you'd like?
Magnus: If you don't mind, I'd... I'd like to wait in autopsy.
Tony: (Laughs) You sure? It smells funny.
Magnus: Well that's, er, that's a matter of opinion.
Tony: It's a matter of dead bodies. Stinky!

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

McGee: Rule number 70 - keep digging till you hit bottom.
Abby: McGee! There is no rule 70.
McGee: Well, I--
Abby: You just made up a rule. This McGibbs thing has really gone to your head. I don't even recognize you right now.