(Ziva is driving and turns aggressively)
Vance: Most fathers teach their daughters how to drive. I have you to blame for this?
Eli: This she learned from her mother.

Vance: You really screwed me here.
Eli: You think I wanted the assassins to follow me?
Vance: I think you told them where to find you.
Eli: He is a splinter in my toe, Leon. He has been for years. If I do not extract him now, it could become infected.
Vance: That's nasty, Eli.
Eli: Yet, illustrative.

Ziva: We killed you first, Tony.
Tony: Oh, I've seen it a million times. The pretty popular girl gets jealous when the hot new transfer comes in and steals all the spotlight. Well, it's pretty much a staple of every high school movie from the seventies and eighties : Heathers, Fast Times ...
Gibbs: Who got jealous in Fast Times? God, I like Phoebe Cates.

Tony: Am I sensing something between the two of you?
Malachi: Nothing serious.
Tony: You haven't slept together then?
Malachi: Oh, of course we are sleeping together. It's just nothing serious.
Tony: Oh, gotta get back to Israel.

(McCallister unscrews the top of his cane)
McCallister: Damnit! I brought the wrong cane. Other cane's got the flask.
Gibbs: Hey, Riley. Where'd they dig you up? (gestures to the coffee) Keep you sharper.
McCallister: (scoffs) Please. The coffee here is weaker than a Frenchman's handshake.

Tony: I don't care how many degrees he has, if he's serious about assassinating Eli, he's gonna need something more than a pistol.
Ziva: Tony, it is not about the size of the gun...
Liat: It is about the will of the shooter... We will make sure they do not succeed. If necessary, we will place ourself in the line of fire.
Tony: "All someone needs is the willingness to trade his life for mine." You know, In The Line of Fire.
McGee: Kennedy said that.
Tony: Why don't you just memorize your lines and don't bump into the furniture, McBartlett. Spencer Tracy said that.

Ziva: You won the marksmanship ribbon for your outfit four consecutive times. I have six.
Liat: But I'm not done, benefit of youth. See, I would expect you to look into past conduct. But you seem to only care about my abilities with a gun.
Ziva: You have a pet cat... named Bill. I happen to like cats.
Liat: Still, I feel this, uh, measuring contest would be more at home in a men's room. Don't you think?

Malachi: Did you expect we would never "move on" after you left us?
Ziva: You left me!
Tony: Let's not get hung up on who's left, who's right and who's wrong.

(Ziva meets Liat Tuvia, her replacement at Mossad)
Ziva: Liat is one of the most common names in Israel.
Liat: Where only the grandmothers are named Ziva.
McGee: So what brings you to D.C.?
Malachi: The cherry blossoms.
McGee: That's in the spring, actually.
Tony: I'm afraid all we have to offer in November are elections and pardoned turkeys. I really like those boots, Liat. Not speaking too fast for you, am I?
Liat: I understand. You're very, uh... tongue-in-ear.
Ziva: She means tongue-in-cheek.
Tony: Don't put words in the girl's mouth.

Tony: Still won't keep you hacky types from stealing my numbers from the matrix, anyway. (waves wallet over credit card reader) Look at it, doesn't work!
McGee: That's right. You should still be terrified of my kind.
Ziva: (laughs and gets the card reader to work) And apparently 22-year-old girls.
Tony: I refuse to be afraid of 22-year-old girls, no matter what kind of... magical pick-pocketing devices they're sporting. You know who the real victim is? Artistry.
Ziva: If someone wants something out of your pants, they should have to use their hands.

Ziva: We cannot really be sure that, because this girl crossed paths with him here yesterday, we will cross paths with him today.
Tony: Also can't be sure that Gibbs will be swilling coffee when we get back to the office, or you'll fumble a simple American expression, or that McGee will sleep alone tonight - but, people do tend to follow patterns.

Gibbs: Officer Hadar. You almost made me spill my coffee.
Hadar: Americans... You can never just say hello.
Gibbs: How about shalom? Hello and good-bye.
Hadar: And peace, Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: Not a lot of that when you're around.

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott