Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Schmidt

I want to kill you...because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!

Nick

Winston said you make fun of my gremlin toenails. That you call them clickety-clacks or centaur boots.

Schmidt

An Indian-Jewish baby? Who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure!

Schmidt

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm about to go pay this fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!

Jess

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.

Schmidt

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if the iPhone was called "the slippery germ brick"?
Nick: Yeah, I probably would actually.

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

He's a player. Why would a good looking person ever become a doctor?

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick