Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Schmidt

I want to kill you...because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!

Nick

An Indian-Jewish baby? Who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure!

Schmidt

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm about to go pay this fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!

Jess

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if the iPhone was called "the slippery germ brick"?
Nick: Yeah, I probably would actually.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

He's a player. Why would a good looking person ever become a doctor?

Schmidt

I'm worried about Schmidt, he's a Jew in the desert I don't want him to wander.

Winston

So when I do the chicken dance I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It's more realistic.

Jess

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess