I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I hate doors!

Nick

Nick: I know where you live!
Jess: And I live where you live!

I may be dirty, but I play old.

Ed

I'm gonna Biden his ass!

Jess

Nick, I need you.

Jess

Schmidt's world is different than ours. They speak a different language. They shorten every word to one syllable. Last month, he went to a party called "Bros Before Hos on the Moon". What does that even mean!?

Nick

Winston: There are parts of my butt that only a tub can clean.
Jess: Ew, but okay!

I don't celebrate Christmas, or as I like to call it, "White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night."

Schmidt

Cece: I'm still marrying an Indian guy.
Schmidt: Sure, but you went home with a Jew in a turban. I'm just saying.

Gavin: This is my favorite Deep V!
Jess: It's just a deeper V!

Them's joint bank account eyes.

Jess