I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

I don't know the words!

Jess

Are you a do-er, or a dumpling-er?

Coach

Boob season's over, for you!

Jess

I take dumps standing up! I'm a man!

Coach

I am rugged, semtic prince!

Schmidt

You got girl trouble, get a crystal!

Winston

I wanna be the black friend you never had.

Schmidt

Human dental dam!

Schmidt

Schmidt: Lotus Bear Relax! I can smell it on you right now!
Nick: Stop smelling my hair!
Schmidt: You know how much that stuff cost?
Nick: I didn't use your conditioner!
Schmidt: Why does your hair look so baby soft?!

I love you guys and uh, I'm gonna miss you, especially you Jebecka.

Coach

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess