Yea! He has me...and our baby! And our other baby!

Jess

Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance.
Jess: Oh but you didn't know I do this. I'm mime walking. I'm Mime-chael Jackson.

Sum up the last two years? The country's broke. Betty White came back.

Schmidt

Schmidt: Just suck in your gut
Nick: What gut?
Jess: The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

Nick: Get out, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it!

Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick. I have a travel size.

Jess

Pink wine makes me slutty.

Jess

Did you see the JWOWW retweet of the Gaga twitpic?

Female interviewer

I saw Nick's pipi. And his bubbles

Jess

They found another black guy. "Labak Melno Virich". Means a better black guy.

Winston

Cece: What's your stripper name?
Jess: Uh, Rebecca Johnson.
Cece: Your stripper name is Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two Boobs Johnson.

I'm not like you! I don't just jump in the potato sack, with the first potato that I meet with diabetes!

Jess