I may be dirty, but I play old.

Ed

Do not challenge me to a sex stand-off. I can channel all of my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?

Jess

Nick: I'm gonna have to turn off the tap!
Jess: What tap?
Nick: The sex tap!
Jess: But I need my vitamin D!

Jess: Nothin' but net!
Coach: Traditionally, that refers to hitting nothing but the inside of the net.

Winston: So...where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston. So naive, so sweet. We do the marketing EVERYWHERE!

Jess: So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.
Nick: Or is it the MOST traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?

I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia.

Winston

Have I ever made any decisions in my whole life? Are we just living in the mind of a giant?

Winston

Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me--I was the total candy striping package.

Schmidt

Coach: Do people call you 'Marketing'?
Schmidt: No...not yet...

She's looking for career advice, and your job could be done by a vending machine.

Schmidt

When I think of teachers, I think of two things--Jessica Day, and pornography...where one of the characters is...a teacher.

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach