Kat: Here are the facts: I’m technically a genius, I have a photographic memory, and I lost my virginity to Malcolm Gladwell.

The only think I want in my mouth is Mr. and Mrs. Ibuprofen, minus the Mister.

Winston

When did one on one sex become old fashioned?

Nick

I'm gonna Biden his ass!

Jess

We are all five hooking up tonight, including the gimp!

Schmidt

Winston: That's like the president and the vice president not being best friends.
Nick: They're not best friends.
Winston: Come on, everybody knows they're best friends.

Open your cellar doors, and let us taste your jams.

Schmidt

It really bums me out that I will never know the infinite joy of what it feels like to carry a child inside of me.

Coach

I take dumps standing up! I'm a man!

Coach

Six hundred dollars! That's six hundred one-dollar bills. That's the only way I can imagine it.

Nick

I don't want a refund on my cruise and I don't want a refund on you!

Nick

Jess: Where are you guys going?
Biology Teacher: In life, nowhere.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Cece: You know that guy I'm dating?
Schmidt: Buster, your child bride?