Sure, I could get a girl drunk and topless with only some crushed ice, a hollowed out papaya, and two fingers of rum. But then I grew up, and now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want. Straightforward, honest. Something that says, "I work in a hole".

Nick

I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo or the slap bracelet and now all I have is this stupid hat.

Jess

Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?

I'm worried about Schmidt, he's a Jew in the desert I don't want him to wander.

Winston

When Nick leaves, I'm gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.

Schmidt

How's the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?

Jess [to Nick]

Schmidt: I get that. Your business is selling sex. You're a sex worker.
CeCe: You're an idiot.

What's wrong? You're stress-eating meat.

Jess [to Schmidt]

CeCe: Are you "White Fanging" me?
Schmidt: What?
CeCe: White Fang? The only book you have on your Kindle. The book you wouldn't stop talking about, and I said, "Would you please stop talking about White Fang" and then you said, "Someday, I'm gonna do that to somebody".

Jess, first of all, you're never gonna be old, humans are going to be immortal by 2026. Second of all, give me your phone. You have backslider written all over you.

Schmidt

Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I look bad in hats.

Nick

Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They're like the people version of pleated pants.

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Paul Ryan 2020.

Schmidt