Julia: I don't like you and I don't want to be your friend, so could you leave please, because I'm about to start crying, and you are the last person I want to cry in front of.
Jess: I want to cry too. Where am I supposed to cry? You can't monopolize the bathroom crying space.

Julia: You never know, a judge might buy into this whole thing, so..
Jess: What whole thing?
Julia: Your whole thing. With the cupcakes and the breaking for birds, and the bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning!
Jess: Oh wow, I didn't know I was doing a thing.
Julia: It's a great thing. The big beautiful blue eyes. I bet that gets you out of a lot of things.
Jess: Yeah, except my peripheral vision is almost too good

I'm about to go pay this fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!

Jess

Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!

Schmidt

Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Schmidt

Schmidt's world is different than ours. They speak a different language. They shorten every word to one syllable. Last month, he went to a party called "Bros Before Hos on the Moon". What does that even mean!?

Nick

Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants!

Schmidt

Schmidt: Tonight was tens across the board. No splash. Nobody's ever done anything like that for me before.
Jess: Anytime, Schmidt. Anytime.

Benjamin [referring to Jess]: Are you hitting that?
Schmidt: What? No!
Benjamin: Then I think I'll help myself...to sex with your friend.

Kim: Does that mean no more sexy Easter bunny?
Schmidt: No sexy Easter bunny.
Kim: What about cinco de Sexy?
Schmidt: No cinco de Sexy.
Kim: And no sexy Martin Luther King?
Schmidt: I can never get the voice. I never felt I had the authority.

Schmidt: Kim, I'm not gonna be sexy Santa anymore. It's over. Santa's dead. I killed him.
Evan: Aaaaaaah!

Jess: Why are you guys hugging?
Nick: Just Guy Talking.
Paul: About uh, how moved we are about jazz music.
Nick: That's a lie. I told him you didn't love him.
Jess: What?!
Paul: But he said it nicely!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach