Tuesdays 9:00 PM on FOX

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.


You're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, old magician crazy.

Jess [to Schmidt]

I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap like a common ranch hand.


Do you remember when you got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? Or dressed up as Shia LaBeouf from Wall Street 2? Or said that jazz music was America's greatest mistake?

Jess [to Schmidt]

Jess: Are you okay?
Nick: No, I'm not okay, Jess! I'm not okay! I woke up today, and I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football, then I hurt my back, and I went to your gynecologist, and now I might have cancer!

Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Patient: You can take mine.
Jess: I heard that, sister.
Patient: True that.

Are you sure you're okay? You're walking like a Disney witch. Let me drive you to your doctor.

Jess [to Nick]

Oh yeah, she tried to steal my overalls.

Dr.; Jess tackled a girl I was dating once. Jess

Are you using your friends medical crisis to feel my boobs with your face?

Displaying quotes 388 - 396 of 519 in total