I really just want to get in there and ush this wedding in the face!

Winston

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

So when I do the chicken dance I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It's more realistic.

Jess

Jess: $550 for the TV?! Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure, and this is as high as I'll go.
Pawnshop dude: You drew a smiley face.

Rochelle? Fancy name. 'Rochelle', like a mermaid.

Jess

No! I can't call Spencer I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho! Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho.

Jess

Jess, you know what, I'll let you check my lost and found...got sizes zero through ten.

Schmidt

Jess: So Coach said they used to play basketball in college, but then Winston went pro?
Schmidt: In Latvia, okay? He went pro in Latvia. It's a big difference. The team logo is a fig. Just one single fig!

Jess (about Winston, the new roommate): I'm so excited to meet him!
Nick: No Jess, he's sleeping. He flew in late last night, we took him straight to the bar, took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed I love America.Now he's happily passed out.

I have to get to school cause it's astronomy day and I'm dressing up as Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.

Jess

Schmidt: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
Jess: I don't know how to answer that question

I was going for like a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing, like, oh, I'm gonna go milk my cows.

Jess

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Schmidt