You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!

Winston

I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the sun king. I think about that all the time.

Jess

Jess: I'll raise the money myself! I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. An orphan, a lost soul, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso!
Tanya: You already did that Jess. It was the spring musical, and it brought in literally $60.

Jess: You've always wanted a thing, so maybe this is your thing. The guy with no phone.
Nick: But who is that guy!?

Do you have like a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa? Can he just have one of those?

Jess

He smells of strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.

Nick

I'm gonna have to run all the way home, and I have my slipperiest loafers on!

Schmidt

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

You're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, old magician crazy.

Jess [to Schmidt]

I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap like a common ranch hand.

Schmidt

Do you remember when you got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? Or dressed up as Shia LaBeouf from Wall Street 2? Or said that jazz music was America's greatest mistake?

Jess [to Schmidt]

Jess: Are you okay?
Nick: No, I'm not okay, Jess! I'm not okay! I woke up today, and I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football, then I hurt my back, and I went to your gynecologist, and now I might have cancer!

New Girl Quotes

A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Schmidt

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach