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New-girl

Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind it's just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.

Nick

What if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig?

Schmidt

Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape!

Schmidt

Winston: What are we laughing at?
Shelby: How much I am not going home with you tonight.

Julia: I don't like you and I don't want to be your friend, so could you leave please, because I'm about to start crying, and you are the last person I want to cry in front of.
Jess: I want to cry too. Where am I supposed to cry? You can't monopolize the bathroom crying space.

Julia: You never know, a judge might buy into this whole thing, so..
Jess: What whole thing?
Julia: Your whole thing. With the cupcakes and the breaking for birds, and the bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning!
Jess: Oh wow, I didn't know I was doing a thing.
Julia: It's a great thing. The big beautiful blue eyes. I bet that gets you out of a lot of things.
Jess: Yeah, except my peripheral vision is almost too good

I'm about to go pay this fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!

Jess

Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!

Schmidt

Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Schmidt
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