Jess: $550 for the TV?! Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure, and this is as high as I'll go.
Pawnshop dude: You drew a smiley face.

Rochelle? Fancy name. 'Rochelle', like a mermaid.


No! I can't call Spencer I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho! Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho.


Jess, you know what, I'll let you check my lost and sizes zero through ten.


Jess: So Coach said they used to play basketball in college, but then Winston went pro?
Schmidt: In Latvia, okay? He went pro in Latvia. It's a big difference. The team logo is a fig. Just one single fig!

Jess (about Winston, the new roommate): I'm so excited to meet him!
Nick: No Jess, he's sleeping. He flew in late last night, we took him straight to the bar, took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed I love America.Now he's happily passed out.

I have to get to school cause it's astronomy day and I'm dressing up as Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.


Schmidt: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
Jess: I don't know how to answer that question

I was going for like a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing, like, oh, I'm gonna go milk my cows.


Jess: Who's that girl? It's Jess.
Nick: Did you just make up a theme song for yourself?

I'm doing sexy things with the pillow.


Waitress: You're all on a date?
Nick: Yeah, we're her boyfriends. We're reverse Mormons - one guy just isn't enough for her.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.


I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"