CeCe: If someone catches us, then I'm going to say that you're drugging me, and it's my word against yours.
Schmidt: Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

Jess: I have to go out tonight, 'cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly? Is that like horny?
Jess: I've got the dirty twirlies, Schmitdy!"

This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!

Schmidt

Schmidt: Where's your boyfriend?
CeCe: We're meeting up later because he has a little surprise for me.
Schmidt: Spoiler: it's his penis.

Julia: You did all the work wrong, though.
Nick: Yeah, I know I did.
Julia: That's okay.

Oh my God! It's like The Wire!

Jess

It is a sexually charged, zero gravity tea ceremony!

Schmidt

I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. I know I do. So if you could do me a solid and take care of these extras.

Jess [to Remy]

Train to Panama all sold out. Must be Mardi Gras!

Schmidt [with foreign accent]

Remy [to Nick]: You get to be the underpants captain tonight.
Jess: Great choice, Remy. Nick will make a great underpants captain.

Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind it's just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.

Nick

What if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig?

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick