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Jess, you win! I'm gonna take you...respectfully!


I may be dirty, but I play old.


Do not challenge me to a sex stand-off. I can channel all of my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?


Nick: I'm gonna have to turn off the tap!
Jess: What tap?
Nick: The sex tap!
Jess: But I need my vitamin D!

Jess: Nothin' but net!
Coach: Traditionally, that refers to hitting nothing but the inside of the net.

Winston: So...where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston. So naive, so sweet. We do the marketing EVERYWHERE!

Jess: So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.
Nick: Or is it the MOST traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?

I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia.


Have I ever made any decisions in my whole life? Are we just living in the mind of a giant?

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