If I can't have a kid with a woman, then maybe I'll have one with my cousin.

Nick

I may have your entire life planned out on my computer. I made a spreadsheet and everything. I worked on it this morning.

Schmidt

You're my best friend in the whole world. We've been through a lot together so I just do feel like your sperm are partly my sperm.

Schmidt

You have no standing to veto, it's my sperm.

Nick

They're reaching into your skin wallet. Your scrotum.

Schmidt

I may or may not have done an extensive amount of research on wedding dresses.

Winston

It's good for you! It's corn!

Bob

Nick: I'm trying my hardest to look poor.
Winston: You are poor.

Why are you putting spoons in the laundry hamper?

Schmidt

We gonna make a girl cry today!

Winston

I'm a business guy first and a sex guy second.

Nick

Nick: I'm very focused.
Schmidt: You're not even looking at me right now.
Nick: I though I saw something shiny.

New Girl Quotes

You know what they call Seattle in Portland? North Portland. Or Vancouver's shoe.

Jess

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick