I didn't gay my way out of Vietnam just to get killed by some punk.

Mr. Day

If they make fun of you, I'll punch them in the penis.


I know you're lying, and I'm hurt, but I'm gonna eat this anyway


Prostitute: Aren't you a virgin, too?
Winston: Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.

Jess: The only anti-depressant you need is in my pants!
Guy: It's really a medical issue.

So, would you like to freak?


Sometimes I just sit in the stall and listen to you guys.


Schmidt: A tuxedo is different from a suit.
Nick: It is??!!

Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.

I'm going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.


You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!


Jess: If we're all really honest with ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads? Am I right, ladies?
Ladies: No!

New Girl Season 2 Quotes

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.


I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo or the slap bracelet and now all I have is this stupid hat.