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Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.


Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?


Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot the bear full of Hep C, we release that bear in the restaurant right as they're about to order dessert.


He doesn't steal pies from windowsills! He is a real-life homeless person!


Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

You can't outrun the Jewish!


I'm just trying to figure out the level of Elvis impersonator we can afford. I think a white one is out of reach.


Jess: I didn't really know your dad, except for that one hour when I committed fraud with him.
Nick: That's all there is to know.

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