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I used to just think if I was proposed to I would notice it was happening.


I wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head. He's like a...grumpy mystery.


Ten years? You guys are like Bert and Ernie.


If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.


Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.


Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

I'll be back faster than you can say, "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already."


Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

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