My mom? You're going to tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? I drew pictures!

Schmidt

And it was you, not Keaton, who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants?

Schmidt

Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?

Schmidt

Look at this puzzle. It's "ages 6 and up." You are "up," Winston. You are very "up."

Schmidt

Let's talk about it, in my perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office.

Schmidt

Tough time in Schmidtsburgh.

Schmidt

Human dental dam!

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

Don't ask about the duffle bag, bitch!

Edgar's mom

Schmidt [to Cece, in a bikini]: Hey, you look awesome.
Cece: It's a Before-and-After for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: Elgatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.