My mom? You're going to tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? I drew pictures!

Schmidt

And it was you, not Keaton, who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants?

Schmidt

Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?

Schmidt

Look at this puzzle. It's "ages 6 and up." You are "up," Winston. You are very "up."

Schmidt

Let's talk about it, in my perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office.

Schmidt

Tough time in Schmidtsburgh.

Schmidt

Human dental dam!

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick