Jess: Oh my god! I thought he was taking you to jail!
Nick: Naw, it's resort jail, and it's not so bad. They let me watch "Ugly Betty."

Jess: How many times a day does Schmidt text you?
Nick: Oh, no, just like...40.

Jess: What's next? What do we do?
Nick: I'm really fighting the urge to buy you a lobster dinner.

I don't think the badger's actually rabid, I think he's just kind of a dick.

Jess

Burquas isn't you guys, is it?

Jess

Life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said ass.

Jess

Jess: The only anti-depressant you need is in my pants!
Guy: It's really a medical issue.

So, would you like to freak?

Jess

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

Jess

Jess: If we're all really honest with ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads? Am I right, ladies?
Ladies: No!

I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.

Jess

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?

Jess

New Girl Quotes

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick