Jess: I didn't really know your dad, except for that one hour when I committed fraud with him.
Nick: That's all there is to know.

Jess: This is where Nick Miller grew up.
Nick: Except for the fall of '88 and the spring of '89--that was our "van year."

When did you become a Bond villain who can't afford to not live with roommates?

Jess

Just remember, you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.

Jess

What happened to guys in this bar? Did they open a bus station next door?

Jess

I wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head. He's like a...grumpy mystery.

Jess

Ten years? You guys are like Bert and Ernie.

Jess

If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Jess

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.

Schmidt

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Are you in love with me? Because I'm in love with you, deeply. I assume that you would never because I messed this up so many times. You've made it very clear you only want to be friends with me and I value that friendship so much. So it I'm ruining it by doing any of this, please stop me.
Cece: Schmidt. I'm in love with you.

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick