Piper: She's issued a Fatwa against me. I think I'm gonna have to fight her.
Larry: What?
Piper: How am I going to fight an old Russian lady with back problems?

Sophia: I made my own. Commissary don't carry a size 13.
Piper: Is that duct tape?
Sophia: Metallics are very in this season.

There's no point in playin' shy baby. You're home.

Sophia

I don't know. I've never cleaned up another person's pee before.

Piper

If you ever want to go home, get that screwdriver back on that wall!

Claudette

I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I'm going to be able to rewire a lamp. Soon. And I'm very excited about that. I always felt I lacked practical skills in life. And I don't know.

Piper

Nicky: What was your major?
Alex: Oh, I just lived on campus and went to parties.

Aw man, I was just starting to like you. You gonna go soft on me Vause?

Nicky

I had my tea, it was almost hot. I had my book, it was almost good. And I saw a chicken. How random is that?

Piper

First girl who bags that bird gets a box of Biore strips.

Red

I figured it out when you thought Stations of the Cross was Christian radio.

Sister Ingalls

Howard: You want to know if she fingered her. I think that's been established.
Larry: Dad, please. No jokes. I can't take it right now.