You know what I should do? I should get my mother a one way ticket to London, leaving today. That way Ben never has to meet her and I could visit her in London. Everybody wins.


I hope that high school auditorium is big enough because I’m bringing 10,000 Maniacs.


I did a show called Zoot, Zoot Wyatt in college.


Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: is it a banger?

Tom: How bout I break you off some of that Ja Rule?
Student: Who’s Ja Rule?

Leslie: Hey, you're going to jail for a very long time.
Dave: He's not going to go to jail, you know. He's a minor.
Leslie: Well, we'll let the jury decide.
Dave: There's not gonna be a jury. It's a....
Leslie: Then the judge will decide where he goes.
Dave: Look, he's going to do probation. He's a minor.
Leslie: Dave, just let me have this?

Leslie: When I first met you I thought you were a fascist hard ass.

Ben: What?

Leslie: I believe that you're innocent until proven guilty in this country. That's the cornerstone of democracy.
Andy: Sure.
Leslie: On the other hand. Greg Pikitis is a little punk. And I kind of want to TP his house.

[To Leslie] Your Mom, kind of made a pass at me.


You're the coolest person I've ever met. I even met John Cougar Melloncamp once.

Andy [to Leslie]

My name is Craig Middlebrooks and this is my debit rewards card!


Ben: Show me Pelosi again.

Leslie: Okay, lay down.