What the fuck is a German muffin?!?

Ron

I love her so much, but I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.

Ann

"No Oren I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait, are you asking me or telling me?"

Ben

April: I love you.
Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesome sauce!

Ron: Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. June 2004: Porterhouse, medium rare, Bearnaise sauce. January 2000: They call this one, The Enforcer. February '96: The steak ribeye. The Whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me? A bitch. Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy. OK, this is the first I ever went there. Look at me. Just a kid.

Well, you know it's like I always say 'it ain't government work if you don't have to do it twice.'

Jerry

Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.

Ron Swanson

Leslie: You could go to jail. Jail, Ron. Ron, Jail. Jail, Ron, jail. You could go to jail. Jail. Jail. Jail. Jail.
Ron: Are you broken?

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

Ron

Zerts are what I call deserts, tray trays are what I call entrees, sandwiches are sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers, air conditioners are cool blaterz with a "z" ... I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies, I call noodles long ass rice, fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick, chicken parmesan is chicky chicky parm parm, chicken caciatore is chicky catch, I call eggs pre-birds or future birds, root beer is super water, tortillas are bean blankets, and I call forks... food rakes!

Tom

No blood orphans. I don't know what that is.

Andy

Leslie: Do you need to get that?
Ann: No, it's just penises.