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Leslie: Ah, you are the person that's been emailing me about Twilight. I thought you would be younger. And a girl.
Kelly: Well I'm not. I'm older and a boy.

Leslie: I thought of a great headline: It's time to en-capsule-ate the future. Sub headline: The parks department cuts the crapsule, buries the time capsule.

Leslie: Yes. Pawnee has had its set of problems. But this time capsule is our way of saying that Pawnee is going to be around for a long time... capsule. And you can quote me on that.
Shauna: Oh, I'm actually going to quote you on all of this because it's a newspaper article.

Leslie: Pawnee, the Paris of America. Pawnee, the Akron of southwest Indiana. Pawnee, welcome, German soldiers. After the Nazis took France our mayor kind of panicked. Pawnee, the factory fire capital of America. Pawnee, welcome, Vietnamese soldiers. Pawnee, engage with Zorp. For a brief time in the '70s, our town was taken over by a cult. Pawnee, Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp. Pawnee, it's safe to be here now. Pawnee, birthplace of Julia Roberts. That was a lie, she sued and so we had to change it. Pawnee, home of the world famous Julia Roberts lawsuit. Pawnee, welcome, Taliban soldiers. And finally, our current slogan: Pawnee, first in friendship, fourth in obesity.

Leslie: And I am submitting this: A brief history of everything that has ever happened since Pawnee was founded. Not like you get extra credit for this, but I did type it from memory and for the first time ever compiled, it includes a complete list of every official town slogan we've ever had

Ron: I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.'s Diner. Home of the world's best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.


For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!


Hey, Leslie. I have an idea. Why don't we put Eduardo in there and seal the top so that he suffocates and dies.

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