Parks and Recreation

Parks and Recreation Season 3 Quotes (Page 9)

Season 3 Episode 4: "Ron & Tammy, Part 2"

Ann: I haven't felt this good in years. And it's not just because of the supplements he has me taking and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. It's him.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Ron: It's too bad. I just taught her how to whittel. She made me this tiny sharpened stick.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Leslie: Yes. I know exactly when we should do it. Post-pizza, pre-ice cream, between his third and fourth beer. He'll be full but not stuffed. Tipsy but not drunk. Should be around nine.
Ben: OK. So you've thought this through.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Chris: I'd like you to get me some more post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Tom: All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
Andy: And you imagine he's wearing a cape, while he's plowing her?
Tom: What?
Andy: No, just Captain Mustache? I mean if all you could think of is Ron — you know — Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny.
Tom: Now I'm imagining a cape.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ron: I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch with my lady friend, but I will be back in time for lunch.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb. And so was that idea.
Ben: Seriously?
Tom: This is embarrassing for you.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Leslie: I don't know what it is about big, outdoor gatherings that makes everyone wanna urinate all over everything. But it does. And they do.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Tammy: A relationship? With whom?
Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
Tammy: Sounds like a real whore.
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Leslie: Whale tail. Whale tail. She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Leslie: I pre-dialed 9-1-1 so all you have to do is press send.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ron: My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing OK. And if I am, she tries to [expletive] everything up.
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Jack Cooper: It appears you have an overdue book.
Ron: Oh, do I?
Jack Cooper: It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micropenis.
Ron: Tammy.
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 3: "Time Capsule"

Ann: I just started dating Chris, and I don't know how, but Andy is going to screw it up. Andy screws everything up. When we were dating, I bought him a fish, and I don't want to get into it, but somehow, that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Ben: What's going on?
Leslie: Some guy handcuffed himself to a pipe in my office because we wouldn't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule.
Ben: Damn it. Again?
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Leslie: So, enjoy watching it. Assuming you still have electricity. And sorry about the weird blank gap in the middle. A man named Jerry Gergich screwed up the recording somehow. He had one job to do.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Woman: That's ridiculous. Why should the Bill of Rights be in the official time capsule, but this painting of my dog is in time capsule seven?
 • Rating: Unrated

Leslie: For the last time. And I won't say this again. There will be no human or feline ashes in either one of the time capsules.
Man: Except for Turnip. Except for Turnip...
Leslie: No chanting.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough, like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation? Where you like me but there's someone else you like more?
 • Rating: Unrated

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