(after Hank convinced Marshall Bryant to get clean from alcohol and drugs)
Marshall: Well, Hank deserves credit for leading me to water.
Hank: Hey, I can lead the horse, but I can't make him drink... or not drink. You know what I'm saying.

Evan: You can actually sew up a human being, but you can't wrap something with parallel sides.
Hank: You know, I went to medical school, not the American Academy of Gift-Giving.

Libby: Well, as a cyberchondriac, I'm sort of tapped into the local medical community. And people are talking.
Tucker: Yeah, she's sort of tapped in like the Pope's sort of Catholic.

Evan: You think when we have kids, we're gonna mess them up? You ever think about that?
Hank: Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about what kids of yours would be like.
Evan: Oh, what? Just smart and intelligent and just overall awesome.
Hank: So they'll take after your wife.

(to Divya) I'm proud of you, and I don't even like you that much.


Jill: Thanks again for helping out.
Hank: Hey, that's what friends who sleep together and then don't talk about it are for.

A lot of people hide their careers from their parents. Like, uh, hitmen do it. Exotic dancers, uh, AIG executives.


Anyone else dropping by? Some huddled masses? Fagin's gang of street urchins perhaps?


(about Evan) There's no stopping him when he's like this. The bylaws for our treehouse were 8 pages long...and it was an imaginary treehouse.


Oh well, some days I have the mo. Some days I have the jo. And some days, I even put them together.

Zach Kingsley

Hank: Look, the good news is the IV catheter's already in, so I just have to switch bags.
Zach Kingsley: And the bad news is now I'll be lame. Kids hate lame, Hank.
Hank: So you'd let your course of treatment be dictated by people who are three feet tall and eat paste for fun?

(to Evan) Be quiet. Be professional. Be-have. But mostly be quiet.


Royal Pains Season 1 Quotes

Yeah, dude. Don't punk the crackberry. She'll light your ass up like a Christmas tree.


Note to self, become a doctor.