Scrubs

Scrubs "My Dream Job" Quotes

Dr. Cox: Good morning angels. What'd you have? One-too-many daiquiris last night?
J.D.: Spence, this is Doctor Cox and...
Jordan: Don't bother, don't care.
Spencer: Oh oh yeah, right he's the scary man you told me about last night. Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Cox: For what, jackass?
Spencer: You just had a baby.
J.D.: No, no, no, she just had a baby.
Spencer: Yeah but you said it was his. And you said something else...
Turk: That he didn't know it yet.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Hey Betty, hey Wilma. What the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I, do I smell beer?
J.D.: Oh we, we ahh had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash. You can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
J.D.: Look Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there anyway that I could have less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possibile. But low-and-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Yeah, I don't know about that, Perry. Sounds to me like she's trying to protect your relationship.
Elliot: Yeah, I mean, some people's mothers say the only way to get a guy to marry you is by using pregnancy as a trap.
Dr. Cox: What!?
Elliot: Uh, stupid mothers who got even meaner when they stopped drinking...
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, okay? I mean, come on, look at this floor! You could practically eat off of it!
Janitor: Would you?
J.D.: Would I what?
Janitor: Would you eat off the floor?
J.D.'s Narration: As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey, unaware that the cleanser the Janitor uses is an extremely potent diuretic, I realized something... the reason we're doctors is because we have an innate desire to help people.
Janitor: That was disgusting.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: No, I was scared. In fact, I was freaking out all day, because I'm quite confident that I'm gonna be an absolutely horrible father.
J.D.: You? Come on! You're gonna be a very scary fath-I mean a great... you're gonna be a great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses 'cause we deserved it? And do you remember that time you told me I wasn't the worst resident that ever lived?
Dr. Cox: You mean like eight seconds ago?
J.D.: You have no idea how much that meant to me.
Dr. Cox: I said I think you may not be the worst resident ever, but I can't be sure of stuff like that. Come on, I haven't done the appropriate leg work!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Uh, look, Mr. Graff, because it's diabetes-related, the pain in your foot isn't responding to pain-killers. But, I'd like to try an anti-seizure medication before we even consider amputation.
Mr. Graff: Oh, good. 'Cause I have an audition for "Stomp!" tomorrow. Look, just cut the damn thing off, will ya?
 • Rating: Unrated

Spence: Jill Anderson.
Turk: Yes.
Spence: Yes.
J.D.: No.
Turk: Monica Meyer.
Spence: Yeah.
Turk: Yes.
J.D.: You know, guys, I don't think it's really appropriate for us to be rehashing our college sexual conquests with Carla in the other room-
Turk: Leslie Stevens!
J.D.: YES! On a pile of coats with hundreds of people around! What a whore!
Carla: Who else? Who else did you bang?!
J.D.: Carla... college wasn't all sex and coats.
 • Rating: Unrated

Spence: Hey, so, uh, when do people get to yell, like, "stat!" and stuff?
Carla: Kinda never.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: No you didn't!
Elliot: I did! And now every time I turn around, Dr. Kelso's riding me.
Todd: I've got next! Wassaaaap!... No one? Self five! For the big dog!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Look, Elliot, I've seen this before. Kelso starts to worry he's not scary anymore, so he picks somebody to be his bitch. Who he picks is totally random. You know, unless you... throw a needle in his face.
 • Rating: Unrated

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