Scrubs Season 8 Episode 1: "My Jerks" Quotes
J.D.: So, this intern you mentioned earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty amazing doctor, didn't he?
Dr. Cox: Actually, it was a she.
J.D.: It wasn't me?
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, it was you. It was you.
Dr. Maddox: (Looking in Ted's briefcase) Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well...one's in case I get sad and...the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well! See you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Hicks' cardiac test results. They're negative. What do you know about that? Just like the 100 other tests we ordered for a man whose only complaint was shortness of breath?
Dr. Maddox: I assume there's a nugget of a point buried in there.
Dr. Cox: Why are you running that guy through the wringer?
Dr. Maddox: Because he's got awesome insurance. He's a 100 percent pure profit machine. Ka, and might I add, ching.
J.D.: Someone needs to send those interns to an intern-ment camp.
Turk: Dude, internment camps are never funny.
J.D.'s narration: I always forget that Turk is one-eighth Japanese.
Dr. Maddox: You're fired.
Janitor: (holding up a photo) What about my son?
Dr. Maddox: That's my daughter!
Dr. Maddox: Do you think it would have been funny if you'd broken his neck?
Janitor: I feel like I ought to say no.
Dr. Maddox: What's your name?
Janitor: Oh boy. You really are new here. (She looks at his security pass.) Uh oh.
Dr. Maddox: "The Janitor".
Janitor: Howdy.
J.D.: Somebody has some very soft hands.
Ed: I sleep in gloves.
(to J.D.) Alright, listen, I want you to run some renal function tests on Mr. Hicks. Can you do that, or do you have more questions about my vagina?
Dr. Maddox
J.D.: (handing Ed's phone to the Janitor) Hey, wanna phone, buddy?
Janitor: (pressing some buttons and then sniffing it) No.
J.D.: Ed! Stop texting.
Ed: I'm not texting. I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts. There's a difference.
J.D.: Okay, we'll do that more later when we're together.
Dr. Cox: (to Carla) I know jerks. Hell, I married a jerk. I divorced a jerk.
J.D.: New freckle.
Dr. Cox: I'm interrupted by jerks. Look, just give me two minutes with this Maddox, and I'll know for sure whether or not she's a jerk.
J.D.'s narration: Okay. Time to connect with the new Chief using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.
Taylor: Oh, is that your boy?
J.D.: What's that? Oh yeah. His name is Sam.
Taylor: I have a daughter of my own.
J.D.'s narration: It's working. Now seal the deal with a follow-up question. But nothing too personal.
J.D.: Did you deliver vaginally?
