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Scrubs

Wednesdays 8:00 PM on

Scrubs "My Jerks" Quotes

(Janitor sticks out mop handle and trips J.D.)
Janitor: Stop confusing me by being nice and giving me phones.
J.D.: Fine! But why'd you have to trip me?
Janitor: Let me answer that question with another question: 'cause I wanted to.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.: This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contra lateral side is consistent with which syndrome...Rodney?
J.D.'s narration: There was Katie, the self centered climber.
Katie: (whispering to Rodney) McConaughey's.
Rodney: McConaughey's?
J.D.: McConaughey is not a syndrome, he is however one of our finest working actors. I recently learned how I could lose him in ten days. Katie is sabotaging you, I assume, because she knows the answer.
Katie: Brown-Sequard Syndrome.
J.D.: (sarcastic enthusiasm) Yay, Katie got it.
• Rating: Unrated

Denise: You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with can because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.: Huh! That's new.
Janitor: Oh yeah. My girlfriend gave me a watch. Do you give a crap, or are you just hoping that by pointing out something new of mine, I'll segue the conversation in talking about something new of yours? Like your new pre-pubescent Miami Vice beard.
J.D.: There are those who say I look like a young Kenny Loggins.
Janitor: Who?
J.D.: Me.
• Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s narration: Okay. Time to connect with the new Chief using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.
Taylor: Oh, is that your boy?
J.D.: What's that? Oh yeah. His name is Sam.
Taylor: I have a daughter of my own.
J.D.'s narration: It's working. Now seal the deal with a follow-up question. But nothing too personal.
J.D.: Did you deliver vaginally?
• Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: (to Carla) I know jerks. Hell, I married a jerk. I divorced a jerk.
J.D.: New freckle.
Dr. Cox: I'm interrupted by jerks. Look, just give me two minutes with this Maddox, and I'll know for sure whether or not she's a jerk.
• Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Ed! Stop texting.
Ed: I'm not texting. I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts. There's a difference.
J.D.: Okay, we'll do that more later when we're together.
• Rating: Unrated

J.D.: (handing Ed's phone to the Janitor) Hey, wanna phone, buddy?
Janitor: (pressing some buttons and then sniffing it) No.
• Rating: Unrated

Dr. Maddox: (to J.D.) Alright, listen, I want you to run some renal function tests on Mr. Hicks. Can you do that, or do you have more questions about my vagina?
• Rating: Unrated