Scrubs Season 2 Episode 5: "My New Coat" Quotes
Dr. Cox: Why in the hell are you wearing a coat?
J.D.: I'm a doctor.
Dr. Cox: Look Babs, if you're truly worried about people seeing your ass, just go ahead and do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.
J.D.: Well I look doctorly.
Dr. Cox: No, you look like the guy who goes to a garage sale, buys a bronze star, pins it to his lapel and then tells everybody to call him "Sarge", and newbie, nobody likes that guy. Not a soul.
Dr. Cox: Listen closely tiny dancer, I wouldn't be flapping my mouth if I'd forgotten to get a blood culture on Mr. Blair, and for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense. Oh gosh, maybe you were running late that day 'cause you just couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans that you love so much, or maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy-band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove by. Of course I don't know, I'm just guessing. But one thing's sure shootin' - you wound up at the dum-dum store and just went ahead and put as much of that in the car as you could fit, didn't ya?
J.D.: Look! Doctor, if you'd flipped the page on that chart you'd see that I pan-cultured him yesterday. But that would probably get in the way of the perverse pleasure you get in pointing out other people's slip-ups. Well too bad Buster Brown, because I'm a resident now and I'm not making the same silly little intern mistakes I made last year. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't stand here and yell at me in front of my patient.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, do you have any idea how much money this hospital makes from that G.I. trial, into which you took the liberty of enrolling your patient?
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and guess seven dollars.
Ted: I bought some relaxation tapes... They're working.
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting!
J.D.: No, I-I just gave him I.V. Imipenem.
Ted: Kelso's gonna blame me. Just... get rid of the nose!
J.D.: Ted, I don't- I don't have the nose
Janitor: I was in the military.
J.D.: Where did you come from!?
Janitor: If I find out you're wearing a bronzie, without having served, I'm gonna make things uncomfortable for you.
J.D.'s Narration: Coat-wearing doctors do not take this crap.
J.D.: You were never in the military.
Janitor: Yes, I was.
J.D.: Which branch?
Janitor: The... janitor branch.
Elliot: Oh, do me! Do me! Do me!
J.D.: You're gonna want to be careful about yelling that out in a bar.
Elliot: I'm serious! All you guys get to be something: The dork, the jock, the spicy firecracker from the school of hard knocks. No offense, Carla. Dammit, what am I?
Carla: You're white.
Turk: The whitest.
J.D.: Yeah, you are.
Elliot: Oh, come on, J.D.'s white!
J.D.: I ain't hearin' that, woman, 'cause I'm talkin' to him.
Turk: Okay, it's a tie.
Todd: T-Dog, settle a little medical debate for us: I think Elliot's got a modest rack, at best; but my favorite attending, here, says that when he was "tuning in Tokyo" the other night, the reception was excellent!
Turk: You guys, Elliot's a friend of mine, so I really don't want to talk about that, okay?
Dr. DiStefano: So, Dr. Turk, how is your back?
Turk: My back's as swollen as Elliot's big-ass breasts, sir.
Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Dr. Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who - who would want to?
Elliot: That girl just asked me to give her my top ten sexual positions; and, after the two that I knew, I just started naming insects.
Turk: Elliot, that really sucks; I'm sorry.
Elliot: I'm not sure. I mean, I was mad at you at first, but it's actually kind of empowering, you know, to have this... persona - this identity. I mean, I'm not just some, you know, nameless, faceless white doctor - I'm Elliot Reid: Tramp.
Turk: Wow. That's great! If you're happy, I'm happy.
Elliot: The weird thing is, she said she'd already tried "Stink-bug."
Janitor: Oh, so we're done with the coats? All right. Well, it was a fun day, though, wasn't it? See you tomorrow.
J.D.: Well, you know, maybe tomorrow, I'll get a bad hair-cut and push around a mop all day!
Oh, my back is on fire. If Dr. Amato was any shorter, I'd be passing him instruments with my feet.
Turk
Turk: Dude, you are such a loser, man.
J.D.: I think I look spiffy. I'm trying to separate myself from the whole pack.
Carla: Oh, you already have, Bambi - you're the biggest geek to ever come through here.
Turk: Yeah, he is.
Carla: Don't laugh, you're the jocky frat-boy with a back problem.
Turk: Yeah, I am.
