Jack: I made poopy in the potty.
Dr. Cox: You know, son, as a doctor I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people's poop, and I'm not going to lie to you, Jackie, it gets old. That's not to say that I haven't enjoyed the last three years of waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies besides you'll be doing the same thing for me some day real soon. Yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and the time Wayne Gretzky said 'what's up' to me in the line at the bank, you being out of diapers is the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. It truly is. Now why don't you go into your room and play for a little while because your mom and I are going to celebrate up here, grown-up style.

Carla: Huh? Ya like that?
Todd: I felt it move.
Carla: Todd, you're touching your crotch.
Todd: I know, and I'm loving it.

Carla: Look, I feel like I can give you a list of things that are sucky about being pregnant. For starters, I am now horny as I have ever been and my husband is repulsed by me.
Turk: Listen, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up and shut my eyes so tight and then do you.
Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice.
Turk: It's because I love you.

Elliot: Tell me every detail about the first date.
Kim: We went horseback riding on the beach.
Elliot: Ah yes, I have been on that date.
Kim: Oh really?
J.D.: What? I had a coupon.

(On the phone) No mom! Playpen and baby cage is not like "toe-may-toe toe-mah-toe."

Janitor

Carla: Thank you! Is this for when we buy the baby a dog?
Janitor: No! It's a baby cage! It's a good one too! See? When I was a kid, mine didn't have these windows! It's perfect! When you want to go out to dinner, it's already got a water bottle in it, so you just throw in some cedar chips in there so the baby can poop... you're made in the shade!
(Silence)
Janitor: I'm kidding! It's for when they buy the baby a.. uh.. uh.. a puppy!
Everyone: Ohhh..

Carla: It is ok, don't get up. I got it!
Turk: Okay.
Carla: It's only your child.

Why does your TV smell like doo-doo?

Turk

J.D.: You do the Zoom Zoom?
Kim: Of course. I invented the Zoom Zoom.
J.D.'s Narration: Liar!

Dr. Cox: Say, Bobbo, you wanna weigh-in on pregnancy sex?
Dr. Kelso: It's a freak show.

It's springtime at Sacred Heart and the whole hospital has that end of the year smell. (J.D. sniffs nurse's hair and cringes)

J.D.'s narration

Listen up, Interns! Notice the definition in the upper calf. (Lifts pant leg to reveal his oddly youthful legs) Look at it, damnit! See that. Back in 'Nam the choppers used to hover about eight feet over my head and I'd jump in. You should have seen the look on Charlie's face. (To Rex) Not the enemy, son. The pilot, Charlie-horse. Great guy. He didn't make it back. Where's the cake?

Dr. Kelso

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: My man Turk, is getting it daily and nightly and ever so rightly! Ah! What up, dogg!
J.D.'s narration: Once every 4.2 seconds a man says something stupid that a woman hears and punishes him for... luckily, this wasn't one of those times.
Carla: What did you just say?
J.D.: "What up...dogg?"

Sean: J.D., may I offer a little constructive criticism?
J.D.'s Narration: Kick him in the crotch dammit! The crotch!