Dr. Kelso: Listen up, name-tags!! I need to wire some cash to my son so we can make bail. Apparently, that musical he was producing was just a front for a crystal meth lab. And heres the kicker: he fled to Toronto so now the freakin' Mounties are involved!!
- Permalink: He fled to Toronto so now the freakin' Mounties are involved!!
Carla: Baby look at this, I'm starting to look like a big fat pregnant lady.
Turk: No you're not, baby. You look like you just let yourself go a little.
(Carla begins to cry uncontrollably)
Turk: This past few days your moods have changed like that!
Carla: That is not true!
(Carla slaps the hell out of him)
Turk: That's cool...
Carla: I'm sorry. Let me kiss that owee. Kiss the owee... Baby...oh baby... I wanna do it right now.
Turk: You don't wanna do it right now? This'll pass.
Carla: This is happening.
Turk: Damn right this is happening.
(Turk begins to remove his clothes and Carla sits down)
Carla: My mom. I can't believe she'll never meet her grandchild.
Turk: Do you wanna start out with kissing or should we go right into the good stuff?
Carla: What is wrong with you?
(Carla pushes him over a table)
Turk: When will you learn?
- Permalink: Baby look at this, I'm starting to look like a big fat pregnant ...
Kim: This is the length of the average penis.
J.D.'s thoughts: What?!
Patient: That seems about right.
Kim: Good for you! I was just messing with J.D.
J.D.: You know what, I'm not talking to any of you guys. You're lying...! (J.D. checks patient's penis) Oh my God!
- Permalink: This is the length of the average penis. What?! That seems a...
J.D.: Gift Shop Girl?
Lisa: Hey J.D.
J.D.: I thought you died.
Lisa: No, I just got married.
J.D.: But I sent your family flowers.
Lisa: I know. You bought them from me. It was kind of weird.
- Permalink: Gift Shop Girl? Hey J.D. I thought you died. No, I just go...
J.D.: Here comes Kim. She has had all night to think about what she did so she will probably be in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it!
Kim: Hey fellas! How are you living?
Turk: Large. (To J.D.) WHAT!? What? Was I not supposed to answer?
- Permalink: Here comes Kim. She has had all night to think about what she di...
J.D.: I saw you did that surgery on Mr. Peters. Did you decide it was the right thing to do?
Kim: No...actually it was a stupid career risk.
J.D.: Then why did you do it?
Kim: Because for some reason I find myself really caring about what you think of me.
- Permalink: I saw you did that surgery on Mr. Peters. Did you decide it was ...
Elliot: Did you enjoyed that pancakes that I left on your computer?
Carla: No, but I enjoyed that 3000 ants crawling on my keyboard.
Todd: There are two of them doing it on the 'F' button. I could be wrong but it looks like two girls.
- Permalink: Did you enjoyed that pancakes that I left on your computer? No...
Dr. Cox: When was the last time you ever met a cutter who didn't want to cut? Laverne! You have been here 40 years now, have you ever heard such a thing?
Laverne: I'm going to kill somebody!
- Permalink: When was the last time you ever met a cutter who didn't want to ...
(To J.D.) Hey, come over here. We want to do stuff to you.Janitor
- Permalink: Hey, come over here. We want to do stuff to you.
Patient: How was Acapulco?
Elliot: We told everyone that you were in Acapulco.
Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance but then I realized that tactic would never work as I would be sent straight to hell, which I imagine is a lot like Acapulco only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.
- Permalink: How was Acapulco? We told everyone that you were in Acapulco. ...
J.D.: (Looking at his destroyed bicycle) What the hell?!
Janitor: (Holding a softball bat) Its a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar. One of them wasnt me.
J.D.: Oh! Thats what happened to my old bike!
- Permalink: What the hell?! Its a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike wi...
Carla: (She sees Turk holding a beer) What are you doing? (He threatens to open it) You better not open that. (He opens it) Okay, you better not drink it. (He takes a sip) All right, You better not enjoy it. (He expresses enjoyment, Carla bitch slaps his beer)
Turk: Did you just bitch slap my beer?
Carla: Are you calling me a bitch?
Turk: Yes. Yes, I am!
- Permalink: What are you doing? You better not open that. Okay, you better...