Scrubs

Scrubs Season 1 Quotes

Season 1 Episode 24: "My Last Day"

Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you all these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about! Sex is for making babies and revenge.
Elliot: Well, you're so full of it.
Jordan: Listen, Stick, if you wanna wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along. But if you have something to say, say it.
Elliot: Everybody knows you're still sleeping with Dr. Cox; and it can't be about making babies 'cause you'd probably just end up eating them, anyway. And as for revenge, I'm just not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches sports on TV is hurting him as much as you might think. So I have to figure that you still care about him, whether you want to admit it or not. And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dr. Cox: But you hate me?!
Dr. Kelso: Like nuts in brownies, Captain
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Dr. Kelso: Sport, if crying worked on me my wife would have her own car by now
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I wanna thank you for this whole year -
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no... no.
J.D.: And I just wanna know... if I can buy you dinner.
Dr. Cox: That'd be terrific.
J.D.: Great! I'm off in, like, a half hour -
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. Here, I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing. But, to sit and eat... with you, that's-that's just... that's crazy talk! I have half a mind to issue you a drug test. I mean, come on, what'd I sign up for -
J.D.: Would have been nice
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Janitor: Hey, congratulations on becoming a resident. Glad I could help.
J.D.: Help!?! You were awful to me! You-you-you-you-Awful!
Janitor: Anyway: Go get 'em, Tiger. The world is your oyster, my frie
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Jordan: Oh come on Perry. No soft spot for the one woman who slept with you sober?
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

J.D.: So, Mr. Bober, here, has been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea; looks like colicistitis.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on - what the hell, Newbie. This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder, and you actually have him eating a grilled-cheese sandwich. Hhhere's an idea: why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

J.D.: I'll see what I can do. Hey, how come you haven't mentioned it's my last day as an intern?
Dr. Cox: Haven't I?
J.D.: Nuh-uh.
Dr. Cox: Come here!
J.D.: Okay.
Dr. Cox: Despite the fact that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be a resident, you'll still be the same excitable little girl that you are right now; the only difference will be that some sorry new intern will probably mistake you for somebody who actually knows somethi
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jordan: Now, if you could just sign this insurance physical, I'll go back to trying to forget that horrible, horrible night.
Dr. Cox: For me to sign this, I would actually have to give you a physical. And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me. Barbie! Give my ex-wife, here, a physical. And don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it.
Elliot: Let's get physical?
Jordan: Ugh
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Carla: We were talking about our relationship, and how great everything is going. And all I said was, "It's weird to think I'll never date again."
Turk: Ah, that's close, honey, but not quite what you said. See, what you said was, "It's weird to think I'll never get to date again." You see that? "... Get to date again" - like she's missing out. How messed up is that?
Carla: I did not say "get"! You're being ridiculous. What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.'s Narration: Careful, tiger. Careful.
J.D.: I wish people would call me "tiger."
Carla: What?
J.D.: I agree with Laverne!
Laverne: Huh?
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Carla: I'll get a paper towel.
J.D.: Don't worry about it; somebody else'll get it.
Janitor: Yeah. Who can we get? I'm not shocked, that's how you live your life, isn't it? Got a problem? Hey, just pass it on down the line
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Elliot: So, I let myself get taken advantage of, sometimes; you know. I mean, big deal - how do you make friends?
Jordan: Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room.
Elliot: Chaz really cared for me.
Jordan: Ah, I know; and I'm sure you have a cool "Jungle Party" t-shirt to prove it. Now, can we please finish this physical? And, I can't pee right now, so you'll have to go for me
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Turk: What the hell, Elliot? You can't just pawn this Bober guy off on me!
Elliot: Hey, it was J.D.'s patient! I was just the middleman... Woman... Person.
J.D.: Look, we can stand here and argue all day about who screwed who-
Elliot: Or?
J.D.: Or nothing, I'm on break - let's do it.
Turk: Okay, Rock-Paper-Scissors, right now.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Dr. Cox: Well, then, I don't get your angle. What could you possibly want from me in exchange for my support? Because I'm telling you right now, I am not dating that daughter of yours.
Dr. Kelso: I only have a son.
Dr. Cox: That's my bad - I was just going by that picture on your desk
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Elliot: Well, he doesn't have insurance, so if you could talk to the other members of the board today at the meeting, well, J.D. thought maybe we could-
Jordan: "J.D. thought"? First he dumps that patient on you, and now he wants you to ask me a favor? Honey, if you don't start saying no to him soon, you're gonna wind up on the losing end of a little game I like to call Hide The Pickle.
Elliot: Oh! J.D. and I are just colleagues.
Jordan: Oh, my God; I was just joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you?
Elliot: Pff... A little
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Turk: So you see, Dr. Wen, it's not really a favor - you were supposed to do surgery on Mrs. Beckerman, but she passed away this morning.
Dr. Wen: Go on.
Turk: Yeah, she's dead, and we were hoping that maybe you could keep her name on the roster? And, it's not-we don't wanna do surgery on her. Let's face it, Dr. Wen, we're good - but we're not that good, you know what I'm saying?
Dr. Wen: No.
Carla: Dr. Wen, we're trying to get a patient approved for surgery; we're hoping you can keep the slot open.
Dr. Wen: Oh, sure. Dr. Turk, next time you need to talk to me, think hard about what you want to say, then send her
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Dr. Kelso: So, you want me to approve surgery on a 76-year-old man with no insurance and no life-threatening condition. Young man, I'm curious: what did you think the end result of this conversation would be?
J.D.: Well, pretty much this, except I'm really invested and so I thought I might try crying a little
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Jordan: Hey, stud, thank you for not asking me to help out on the Mr. Bober thing.
Dr. Cox: I would've but, it would have been pointless. It turns out, you're a very predictable woman, there, Jordan.
Jordan: Puh-lease!
Dr. Cox: I know you. You're gonna walk into that board room tonight, all tall and strong, and then you're gonna sit back and just pray that nobody asks your opinion. I mean, I'm sure you-you probably think that your little visits here are a spontaneous surprise, but, did you ever wonder why the only two candles that I own are already lit when you walk in that door? I mean, doll, I hate to tell you this but, I don't walk around all day with cologne down in my engine room. I'm not that guy!
Jordan: Some people like reliability.
Dr. Cox: In a sedan, it turns out it's terrific
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.'s Narration: It's been a long year, but the important thing is we all got through it together. We were a family.
Jordan: Hey everyone.
J.D.: Oh, Ms. Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr. Bober.
Jordan: Oh, don't mention it! And even though I wasn't invited to your little party, I brought presents for everyone!
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself, there, newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for? was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!
J.D.'s Narration: Yep. One big, happy family
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 23: "My Hero"

Turk: Come on. How could this guy be the best?
Dr. Wen: You want to know the difference between you two? When you're working, I can always see your wheels turning. You're thinking about what you have to do next, what could go wrong. You're not in the moment. As much as it pains me to say it... The Todd is.
Turk's Narration: Please! Just because I'm thorough and I want to keep two kelly clamps on the field in case their appendiceal artery is inadvertently incised so I can gain immediate hemostatic control doesn't mean I think too much. Plus, what if I needed to...
Todd's Narration [singing]: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun shiny scalpel! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun gonna slice him up
 • Rating: Unrated

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