Scrubs Season 1 Quotes
Turk: What the hell, Elliot? You can't just pawn this Bober guy off on me!
Elliot: Hey, it was J.D.'s patient! I was just the middleman... Woman... Person.
J.D.: Look, we can stand here and argue all day about who screwed who-
Elliot: Or?
J.D.: Or nothing, I'm on break - let's do it.
Turk: Okay, Rock-Paper-Scissors, right now.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, I don't get your angle. What could you possibly want from me in exchange for my support? Because I'm telling you right now, I am not dating that daughter of yours.
Dr. Kelso: I only have a son.
Dr. Cox: That's my bad - I was just going by that picture on your desk
Elliot: Well, he doesn't have insurance, so if you could talk to the other members of the board today at the meeting, well, J.D. thought maybe we could-
Jordan: "J.D. thought"? First he dumps that patient on you, and now he wants you to ask me a favor? Honey, if you don't start saying no to him soon, you're gonna wind up on the losing end of a little game I like to call Hide The Pickle.
Elliot: Oh! J.D. and I are just colleagues.
Jordan: Oh, my God; I was just joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you?
Elliot: Pff... A little
Turk: So you see, Dr. Wen, it's not really a favor - you were supposed to do surgery on Mrs. Beckerman, but she passed away this morning.
Dr. Wen: Go on.
Turk: Yeah, she's dead, and we were hoping that maybe you could keep her name on the roster? And, it's not-we don't wanna do surgery on her. Let's face it, Dr. Wen, we're good - but we're not that good, you know what I'm saying?
Dr. Wen: No.
Carla: Dr. Wen, we're trying to get a patient approved for surgery; we're hoping you can keep the slot open.
Dr. Wen: Oh, sure. Dr. Turk, next time you need to talk to me, think hard about what you want to say, then send her
Dr. Kelso: So, you want me to approve surgery on a 76-year-old man with no insurance and no life-threatening condition. Young man, I'm curious: what did you think the end result of this conversation would be?
J.D.: Well, pretty much this, except I'm really invested and so I thought I might try crying a little
Jordan: Hey, stud, thank you for not asking me to help out on the Mr. Bober thing.
Dr. Cox: I would've but, it would have been pointless. It turns out, you're a very predictable woman, there, Jordan.
Jordan: Puh-lease!
Dr. Cox: I know you. You're gonna walk into that board room tonight, all tall and strong, and then you're gonna sit back and just pray that nobody asks your opinion. I mean, I'm sure you-you probably think that your little visits here are a spontaneous surprise, but, did you ever wonder why the only two candles that I own are already lit when you walk in that door? I mean, doll, I hate to tell you this but, I don't walk around all day with cologne down in my engine room. I'm not that guy!
Jordan: Some people like reliability.
Dr. Cox: In a sedan, it turns out it's terrific
J.D.'s Narration: It's been a long year, but the important thing is we all got through it together. We were a family.
Jordan: Hey everyone.
J.D.: Oh, Ms. Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr. Bober.
Jordan: Oh, don't mention it! And even though I wasn't invited to your little party, I brought presents for everyone!
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself, there, newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for? was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!
J.D.'s Narration: Yep. One big, happy family
Turk: Come on. How could this guy be the best?
Dr. Wen: You want to know the difference between you two? When you're working, I can always see your wheels turning. You're thinking about what you have to do next, what could go wrong. You're not in the moment. As much as it pains me to say it... The Todd is.
Turk's Narration: Please! Just because I'm thorough and I want to keep two kelly clamps on the field in case their appendiceal artery is inadvertently incised so I can gain immediate hemostatic control doesn't mean I think too much. Plus, what if I needed to...
Todd's Narration [singing]: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun shiny scalpel! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun gonna slice him up
Dr. Cox: They hate you Bob. They hate you from the bottom of your hooves to the tip of your pitchfork. They hate you, by god, they hate you!
Dr. Kelso: What are you laughing at?
Laverne: That hooves and pitchforks part
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I honestly think that the only reason you're not down at that hospital right now is that you're afraid.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really... gotten to know me this year... But mostly it's because, well... I told you that I was afraid earlier today so please don't tell me that you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said th
Turk: I don't believe this! I didn't get tomorrow's whipple procedure!
Carla: I know, I know.
Turk: This is ridiculous!
Carla: Baby, calm down.
Turk: What's a brother gotta do to get a whipple around here, huh? What's a brother gotta do? Tell me! What do I gotta do to get a whipple around here?
Carla: Listen to me! You gotta stop turning your medical training into some ego-driven contest. No one else is doing that.
Bonnie: Oh, I got the whipple. Suck it, Turk.
Carla: I will end her!
Turk: No, no.
Todd: Dude, dude, let her go. It'll be so hot
J.D.: Uh... got him to put his gown on.
Ben: He sure did! And now my butt itches on account of this scratchy chair