Scrubs

Scrubs Season 1 Quotes (Page 21)

Season 1 Episode 1: "My First Day"

J.D.: The medical interns are having a Pac Man tournament. Apparently we're all twelve.
Elliot: I love Pac Man.
J.D.: Me too. I love watching it, I love playing it, I love all of it
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Anyway, I know what you're thinking.
J.D.'s narration: Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.
J.D.: No you don
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Carla, can I ask you a personal question? Do you spray the perfume on, or do you just fill your bathtub up with it at home and splash around in it?
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, he's always telling me, you know, "You've gotta stay positive!"
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet. And may, in fact, be Satan, himself
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Turk: This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest. I couldn't even see them! I should not be allowed to do stuff like that. Whazzup.
J.D.: And you weren't scared?
Turk: One way or another, everyone stops bleeding. That is so deep.
Carla: No it isn't.
Turk: It's a little deep
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Bursky: So, what's it like being a young, hot-shot doctor?
J.D.: It's like... Did you ever go see a movie that everyone told you was great, and then because of all those expectations, you ended up totally disappointed?
Mr. Bursky: Movies nowadays have too many special effects.
J.D.: Yeah, that was pretty much my point
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Look, worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life... But that is the absolute worst case scenario. Come on, newbie, look: Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do, which I assume covers just about everything, and if you have a really rough admission-
J.D.: Call you?
Dr. Cox: No! I was gonna say go hide in the closet again!
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Todd, J.D. J.D., this is my man, Todd.
J.D.: What's goin'...?
J.D.'s narration [After having his hand slapped by Todd]: And like that I was back in high school. You see, surgical interns are all slice 'em and dice 'em. They're the jocks. Medical interns, we're trained to think about the body. Diagnose, test. The medical interns...well, we're the chess club
 • Rating: Unrated

[in an elevator full of people]
Mr. Bursky: I just had bad gas. What are you testing me for?
J.D.: We need to know if your gas could be harmful to others
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s narration: Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything -- storms, sirens, you name it. Last night, I didn't sleep
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Hey, I was, uh, I was paged.
Carla: Aww. First day, Bambi?
J.D.: Yeah.
Carla: Carla will take care of you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Kelso: The necrosis and infected stool most likely indicate what, Dr... Dorian?
[J.D. looks to Elliot for help]
Elliot [whispers]: I don't know
J.D.: Sir, I have no idea.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, can you help him out?
Elliot: I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: I thought we cared about each other...
Elliot: Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same thing.
J.D.: Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!
Elliot: Do me right here.
J.D.: Okay.
Elliot: See!
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Wait. Tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?
Carla: Lose the clothes
 • Rating: Unrated

Laverne: I need to see you in Mr. Bursky's room.
J.D.: Are you flirting with me? You are, aren't you!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Well, I think it's okay to be scared.
Turk: Well, I need you to tell me that every once in a while, man.
J.D.'s Narration: He needs me?
Turk: Anyway, I just came to check up on you; see how you're doing.
J.D.'s Narration: Ask him to move in again.
J.D.: You know, Turk, the offer still stands if you wanna...
Turk: Dude, I already took the keys out your bag
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Kelso: Okay... Uh, did you ask the Bursky family for permission to do an autopsy?
J.D.: They're still in there with him, sir.
Dr. Kelso: It's a teaching hospital, son, you gotta ask.
J.D.'s Narration: Just tell him you can't see Mr. Bursky again. He'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you-do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.'s Narration: See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home. You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired!
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Elliot: If you're talking about getting the Bursky autopsy, I already called the family for you. And they said fine, and to thank you, and I'm sorry... They didn't say that last part, I did.
 • Rating: Unrated

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