Scrubs Season 1 Quotes
Dr. Kelso: Well, turnabout's fair play and all that, so here's an evaluation form. I figured I'd try to get get a read on how all you interns think I'm doing. Don't sign your name, it's completely anonymous. And Dr. Reid? I'm no she-doc, I can take it!
Carla: Ah ha ha ha! Whoo! You're gonna crush him, right?
Elliot: Oh, yes. How do you spell inadequate?
Carla: Give me that. I'll fill it out for you
Dr. Zeltzer: So, Mr. Sullivan, your blast percentage is quite a bit higher than we all expected. Around eighty percent.
Ben: That's bad, right? You want the number to be low, huh? Like in, uh, golf?
Dr. Zeltzer: Yes, exactly. Like in golf. Do you-do you play?
Jordan: Oh, who the hell cares if he plays golf?!
Dr. Zeltzer: Uh, I was bonding.
Ben: Hey, doing a good job, too
Elliot: Sir, I'm so sorry. Are we cool?
Dr. Kelso: What could possibly have possessed you to write such filth!
Carla: Uh, Dr. Kelso? I need to tell you something.
Elliot: That's okay, Carla, I'm going to take care of that patient. Dr. Kelso, I did it because I didn't think you'd know it was me and I thought that it would be funny.
Dr. Kelso: Let's take a walk. I'd like to tell you a few things that I think are funny
J.D.: You gotta get back in the game, Coxie!... Okay, Coxie was a mistake. Pretend I didn't say Coxie.
Dr. Cox: Geeeet out!
Carla: Dr. Kelso, I wrote that evaluation. It was me. Elliot didn't write a word.
Elliot: But I would've written every single word if I had the courage! And the other side of the tracks upbringing that Carla did! Because you know what I think of you?
Carla: You tell him!
Elliot: You're mean
Dr. Cox: So, uh... you know, what's up?
Ben: You know, this and that. Hey, I met someone.
Dr. Cox: Really?
Ben: Yes. Well, she took a stool sample so I think she works here. Uh, redhead? Uh, tall?
Dr. Cox: Not on the staff, no.
Ben: No? Strange young lady
J.D.: What's wrong?
Janitor: I lost my mop.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: No! That's what you think? I'm a Janitor, the only thing that would make me sad is losing my mop!
Jill: The last time I saw you, I was really stressed out - you know, the weight of the world on my shoulders... So guess what I did?
Elliot: Quit your job!
Jill: Flushed my fish down the toilet! No more feedings, no more cleaning the bowl... No more being judged for having a second glass of wine...
Elliot: Oh, don't even get me started on judgmental fish!
Jill: Uh-huh. But then that sent me on this whole shame spiral, so I decided to travel. I got hit on in Venice! I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro! ...For about ten minutes - it's very, very steep... And then I went to Florida to swim with the Dolphins! And I don't mean the fish! There was an NFL thing going on at the hotel!
J.D.: OH! Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time!?
Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you! I follow you around all day! I only got about an hour and a half worth of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you... like an animal.
J.D.: You're kidding, right?
Janitor: Haha... I don't know? Am I? Hmm
Turk: You ever notice how a tumor looks just like cheese?
Carla: Is that good cocktail conversation?
J.D.: I had this patient today, thought he had blood in his stool? Turned out to be pimento!
Carla: Mmgh.
J.D.: What?
Elliot: I worked on a homeless guy who vomited up an entire mitten. I mean, that's not gonna stop me from wearing mine when it's cold out!
Carla: What is wrong with you people? We have a good bottle of wine, we all look nice for once - can we please talk about something other than work? Please?
Turk: Name an actress. J.D. could tell you which movie she appeared in naked.
Carla: I'm gonna go put on my pajamas. I can't believe I shaved my legs for this
Surgeon: Patient's name is Moe Weinberg. Cancer is confined to the right testicle. Dr. Turk will be assisting with the removal.
Turk: Sorry, Moe - looks like you're about to either lose Larry or Curly!... Starting the incision.
Surgeon: Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. I'm guessing Mr. Weinberg is Jewish?
Turk: Yeah. So?
Surgeon: Why isn't he circumcised?
J.D.'s Narration: A recent medical study found that a mistake is made on about twenty percent of all patients. Most of these are clerical and harmless, but, it still adds up to a lot of near misses.
Todd: Dr. Wen wants me to ask you if there could be a mix-up? Because our appendicitis patient, that dude doesn't have an appendix!
Jill: Oh, I almost forgot! I'm engaged!... Oh, right... There used to be a ring there, but then my, uh, fiancé did some soul-searching, and we decided that it needed to be a little more fancy.
Elliot: Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me! I've been trying to figure out how to tell you the only reason you're vomiting and exhausted is, well... you're pregnant!
Jill: I'm what, now?
Elliot: Yeah, pregnant! Your fiancé is gonna be so happy!
Jill: My fiancé and I decided not to have sex until we were married.
Elliot: So he's not gonna be so happy.
Jill: More curious, really, than happy