Scrubs

Scrubs Season 1 Quotes (Page 9)

Season 1 Episode 14: "My Drug Buddy"

Turk: Hey.
Dr. Cox: Oh for the love of Oprah, why, why would come to pediatrics?
Turk: 'Cause I can't go unless you're around. You're my little pee-buddy. Haha!
Dr. Cox: What do you say we cut to the chase? You're dating Carla, the one person in this hospital I can remotely stand and she wants us to get all kissy-faced with each other, I get it, I do. But you see, every single time I shake my Magic Eight Ball and ask it, "Are we gonna be best friends forever?" do you know what it says?
Turk: No.
Dr. Cox: Outlook is ba-leak.
Turk: But Doctor Cox, you really can't trust those things. I mean when I was nine I asked mine if I should crack it open and drink the fluid inside. I puked blue for like three days. Haha!
Dr. Cox: Just a real cute story, here's what you're gonna do. Go back to Carla and don't obsess about why she's with you in the first place, just tell her we went to a ball game and we borrowed each others sweaters, mmkay little buddy?
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: So, who'd you side with, Elliot or Alex?
J.D.: Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
Turk: Smooth.
J.D.: Yeah. It's just, you know, they both have a point...
Turk: Stick to the booty principle.
J.D.: What's that?
Turk: The booty principle: Which one do you want to sleep with?
J.D.: Alex.
Turk: Then I think she might be right
 • Rating: Unrated

Alex: You are so different from the guys I usually go out with.
J.D.: How so?
Alex: Well, for starters... I'm still wearing pants.
J.D.: Yeah, well, that is because I respect you.
Alex: Oh, yeah?
J.D.: Yeah. And also, this triple-knot, I couldn't get out
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: All right, Will and Grace: break down.
Elliot: Judging by Mr. Barnes' elevated lipase, I'd say it's pancreatitis.
Dr. Cox [to J.D.]: Okay, Grace, you wanna finish?
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: In case you were wondering, it says, "If you can read this, you're standing too close."
Turk: No, I wasn't trying to...you know...look...
Dr. Cox: Now let's see if you can tinkle when someone's staring at you... Yeah, go ahead and take your time - I actually have all day
 • Rating: Unrated

Vendor: Hey, Bob, how are ya?
Dr. Kelso: Fine, Allen. Uh, today, I think I'll try a double half-caf mocha foam latte mochaccino with a shot of vanilla and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
Vendor: So, black coffee?
Dr. Kelso: Bingo-bango!
Carla: Oh, my God - these people actually like you!
Dr. Kelso: Maybe you should just order.
Carla: Yes, I'll have an espresso, please; and...what kind of scones do you have today?
Man: Son of a bitch. Do you mind, lady? I am in a rush.
Carla: Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you, so much.
Dr. Kelso: I, uh, I think what she means is, she doesn't give a crappuccino!
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Hey. How you doing?
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey! How are you? Can I buy you a beer? This is a men's room, for God's sake - there is absolutely no talking in here. Ever.
Turk: It's just so freaky, you know? We're on the same pee schedule
 • Rating: Unrated

Laverne: Well, I don't think we should stand for it. Dr. Kelso can't just decide we're not allowed to switch shifts anymore. I'm supposed to go see my nephew tonight in 'Pippin.'
Nurse: Who's he playing?
Laverne: Pippin. Bob Kelso is a bad man.
Carla: I don't know; I mean, we never think about how hard it is to always be the bad guy, you know?
Laverne: I want him to die!
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Someone call for a surgical consult?
Dr. Cox: You're Dr. Turk?
Turk: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: Of course you are. Note to self: You've got to start writing down the names of people that truly annoy you!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: I wanted to thank you...for what you did. You know, when you yelled at me in front of the other nurses. I appreciate it.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I yelled at you because that paperwork looked like it had been done by a drunk four-year-old. Listen, Carla, I have a family who loves me, a handful of close friends, and a wonderful hobby shop in my basement; I don't spend much time worrying about people's feelings around here - I just do whatever makes me happy
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: You remember, like, when the new 'Star Wars' movie came out, and it was all built up, and then people went to see it and it really wasn't that great in bed?
Alex: Relax! The first one's a freebie, so you can get your form back
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: All right, I should've done this a long time ago; so, here goes: I'm sorry. I shouldn't accuse you of being jealous, you were just looking out for me, and...you were right about Alex.
Elliot: You never did sleep with her, did you?
J.D.: No... But, why does that matter?
Elliot: Because I was jealous
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 13: "My Balancing Act"

Dr. Cox: Here's the deal. I have been coerced by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning. So in order to make this a more palatable experence for mwah, I am not going to call you by your names, instead I'll be refering to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me first. Okay...you, chicken beak. What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?
"Chicken Beak": Legionella.
Dr. Cox: Nice job! It turns out your mind is as sharp as your nose. Wow! And you, dye-job, what are the elements of Whipple's Triad?
Elliot: Ah... I can't remember. I am so sorry.
Dr. Cox: What in the hell are you sorry about?
Elliot: Well its just that Doctor Kelso always yells at us when we don't know the answer...
Dr. Cox: Oh children, you can't let that bloated bag of hate effect you like that, and besides being a doctor is as much about finding the answers as it is about knowing them. For instance, take Clarabell's patient over here, Mr. Yeager. Now we have no idea what in the hell is wrong with him, so we have run tests for everything from meningitis to intracranial mass and according to these results... Oh everything seems to have come back negative, which doesn't necessarily mean that Clarabell is a failure, it doesn't. It just means that she's got to keep trying no matter how frusterated she just might get
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: How'd you drop the on it this time, and don't tell me you cried or I'm gonna have you banned from the men's room again.
J.D.: I was just so excited about what we were doing here last night, I just forgot all about our date.
Dr. Cox: You didn't forget, you kept looking at your watch, I saw you. I just naturally assumed you were just afraid of missing Judging Amy. It never occured to me that you were choosing work over being with that sweet little biscuit you stupid pissant.
J.D.: You know that means a lot coming from you mister, right here with me two hours after his shift also and last Monday night too... guy.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: You heard me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, what are you sayin'? That you wanna be like me? Understand that I just barely wanna be like me
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is?
J.D.: That patient just mocked me!
Dr. Cox: It's a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it's much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms, in other words, if you hear hoof beats, you just go ahead and think horsies and not zebras, mkay mister silly bear?
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s narration: Oh, man, she's beautiful. I wish I was that piece of bacon. Wait a second. I am that piece of bacon!
J.D.: Hell yeah!
Janitor: You mind not staring at me while I'm eating? I hate it.
J.D.: But, I'm not, I was...
Janitor: What am I doing right now?
J.D.: Eating.
Janitor: What are you doing?
J.D.: Staring...
Janitor: Okay. There. Now no one gets to eat it! Ya happy?
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Like, even when our dates get interrupted, we can just have a date here. Yeah, like, let's say for instance you wanted to watch a movie -- we could just go to the conference room and watch that video on S.T.D.s. It's funny, and it makes you think!
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Kelso: Ted. I need you to take care of some lawyer crap for me, and it would be a great help if you would go to traffic court for me and make this go away.
Ted: I...don't think so.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Ted: No, Bob. I have my own things I need to take care of.
Dr. Kelso: Of course. Of course...
Ted: Walk off, bitch.
Dr. Cox: How is it, exactly, that you just said that and your pants are still dry?
Ted: Don't you understand what you did when you spoke to those interns? You took away the fear. You...are a wonderful person. And...I love you
 • Rating: Unrated

Alex: Look maybe it would be good if we actually had a date that...ends.
J.D.: Well how does a date with you end?
Alex: It can range from "a kiss at the door" to "all I have for breakfast is yogurt and I'm all out of bowls, so you'll have to eat off my stomach."
 • Rating: Unrated

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