Turk: This is so unfair of Kelso. Everyone has gotta have a way of taking the edge off! You and I, we've got basketball. Nurse Roberts, she's got her stories.
Todd: Some guy named D.R.K. must love Miss PacMan, 'cause he's got the high score of 41 million.
Turk: D.R.K.? Dr. Kelso!
Todd: Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head.

Elliot: I just can't believe you had to pee in front of Jordan! I could not do that. I mean, Paul's my boyfriend, and I make him turn the volume way up on the T.V. when I go. Plus, he's not allowed in the apartment an hour before or after I do twosies.
J.D.: Elliot, you're a doctor - stop calling it "twosies."
Elliot: Oh, with patients I say "dookie."

Elliot: Thank you!
Janitor: Oh, for what? For doing my job? Come on! This kind of thing gets me up in the morning. That, and the smell of urinal cakes.

Jordan: Oh! Perry, you pee standing up at work! That is so cute! Would you come on? We're on a very tight schedule.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet, I just went ahead and assumed you'd be used to tight things by now.
Jordan: Oh, that's lovely.

J.D.: You know what, some stereotypes are true, Turk. Okay? And, just maybe, black people are a little better at basketball. Whatta you say?
Turk: Maybe a little.
Laverne: Y'all got hockey.

Dr. Cox: Well, now, Maggie! I can only assume that you are whiling away the morning cat-chatting with your favorite gal-pal because you've already finished your pre-rounding?
J.D.: I haven't even started yet.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: Gotcha! Finished!
Dr. Cox: That's a good one, Newbie. My heart is racing. You are quite the prankster.
J.D.: I could tell you some stories.
Dr. Cox: And if there's a God in heaven, you never will.

J.D.: You know, I'm always pulling pranks, too. Like, before, Dr. Cox was like, "Did you do that pre-rounding?"-
Pete: You know what - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you; I do want to hear the end of that story, though - could you get a pulmonary consult for Sally for me?
J.D.: Yeah, we-yeah.
Pete: You're probably thinking, Why didn't you do that before I got here? But you weren't sure if you'd be over-stepping your boundaries. What if I was some sort of territorial ass with a giant ego - or a territorial ego with a giant ass. Stop me, Sally, please!

Elliot: I have a boyfriend, work is going well, I actually feel cute for the first time in my life; my self-esteem cannot be touched!
Carla: It's been so weird since I got engaged.
Elliot: Oh, you're right - I'll never get married! Message received!
Carla: Elliot! This is about me.
Elliot: Oh, really?
Carla: Yeah.
Elliot: Ohh, 'kay.

Dr. Kelso [pulls up car blocking basketball hoop]: Morning, boys!
Turk: Sir? This is where we play.
Dr. Kelso: Funny. I thought this was where we worked?

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I have a low-anterior resection later on this afternoon, and I'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best.
Dr. Kelso: Well... I'd really like to have grand-kids someday, but the last five Christmases, my son has brought his roommate Brad home! So, you tell me whether life is fair.

J.D.: I can't believe you did your residency here, too!
Pete: You kidding me? We lived, we loved, we sang to each other, for crying out loud. Hey, Laverne, remember the time you and I got a little crazy, right? Went down to the waterfall, stripped off our scrubs, dove in. You remember that, Laverne?
Laverne: Are you hittin' the crack-pipe?
Pete: See, that's the kind of magic I'm talking about, buddy!

J.D.: What's up his pooper?
Pete: Actually, I think he's mad 'cause I went into private practice and he's stuck in this hell-hole.
J.D.: Yeah.
Pete: You wouldn't believe this, but that guy was my mentor, man. I mean, I lived and breathed for that guy's approval.
J.D.: That's lame.

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Look, Carla, if you're gonna survive in medicine, you've got to accept the fact that rules are rules. Hey! Anyone from that clinical trial around? Hello? Hello?... Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Orderly: Okay.
Carla: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Cox: When you speak of this - and I know you will - could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.

Julie: Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me?
Dr. Cox: Okay. Well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, way too much. I mean, jeepers, Julie, don't you understand you got half the doctors on this staff believing that if they go ahead and join team Plomox, that they got an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle? Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went ahead and put a six-hundred percent mark-up on it. But, hey, the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company damn-sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, that just means you don't care, either. And that's... pretty much what's making me sick; that's all.
Julie: Well, you can say what you want, Perry. But we both know that you'd love nothing more than to smack this fine ass.