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Turk: This is so unfair of Kelso. Everyone has gotta have a way of taking the edge off! You and I, we've got basketball. Nurse Roberts, she's got her stories.
Todd: Some guy named D.R.K. must love Miss PacMan, 'cause he's got the high score of 41 million.
Turk: D.R.K.? Dr. Kelso!
Todd: Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head.

Elliot: I just can't believe you had to pee in front of Jordan! I could not do that. I mean, Paul's my boyfriend, and I make him turn the volume way up on the T.V. when I go. Plus, he's not allowed in the apartment an hour before or after I do twosies.
J.D.: Elliot, you're a doctor - stop calling it "twosies."
Elliot: Oh, with patients I say "dookie."

Elliot: Thank you!
Janitor: Oh, for what? For doing my job? Come on! This kind of thing gets me up in the morning. That, and the smell of urinal cakes.

Jordan: Oh! Perry, you pee standing up at work! That is so cute! Would you come on? We're on a very tight schedule.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet, I just went ahead and assumed you'd be used to tight things by now.
Jordan: Oh, that's lovely.

J.D.: You know what, some stereotypes are true, Turk. Okay? And, just maybe, black people are a little better at basketball. Whatta you say?
Turk: Maybe a little.
Laverne: Y'all got hockey.

Dr. Cox: Well, now, Maggie! I can only assume that you are whiling away the morning cat-chatting with your favorite gal-pal because you've already finished your pre-rounding?
J.D.: I haven't even started yet.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: Gotcha! Finished!
Dr. Cox: That's a good one, Newbie. My heart is racing. You are quite the prankster.
J.D.: I could tell you some stories.
Dr. Cox: And if there's a God in heaven, you never will.

J.D.: You know, I'm always pulling pranks, too. Like, before, Dr. Cox was like, "Did you do that pre-rounding?"-
Pete: You know what - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you; I do want to hear the end of that story, though - could you get a pulmonary consult for Sally for me?
J.D.: Yeah, we-yeah.
Pete: You're probably thinking, Why didn't you do that before I got here? But you weren't sure if you'd be over-stepping your boundaries. What if I was some sort of territorial ass with a giant ego - or a territorial ego with a giant ass. Stop me, Sally, please!

Elliot: I have a boyfriend, work is going well, I actually feel cute for the first time in my life; my self-esteem cannot be touched!
Carla: It's been so weird since I got engaged.
Elliot: Oh, you're right - I'll never get married! Message received!
Carla: Elliot! This is about me.
Elliot: Oh, really?
Carla: Yeah.
Elliot: Ohh, 'kay.

Dr. Kelso [pulls up car blocking basketball hoop]: Morning, boys!
Turk: Sir? This is where we play.
Dr. Kelso: Funny. I thought this was where we worked?

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I have a low-anterior resection later on this afternoon, and I'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best.
Dr. Kelso: Well... I'd really like to have grand-kids someday, but the last five Christmases, my son has brought his roommate Brad home! So, you tell me whether life is fair.

J.D.: I can't believe you did your residency here, too!
Pete: You kidding me? We lived, we loved, we sang to each other, for crying out loud. Hey, Laverne, remember the time you and I got a little crazy, right? Went down to the waterfall, stripped off our scrubs, dove in. You remember that, Laverne?
Laverne: Are you hittin' the crack-pipe?
Pete: See, that's the kind of magic I'm talking about, buddy!

J.D.: What's up his pooper?
Pete: Actually, I think he's mad 'cause I went into private practice and he's stuck in this hell-hole.
J.D.: Yeah.
Pete: You wouldn't believe this, but that guy was my mentor, man. I mean, I lived and breathed for that guy's approval.
J.D.: That's lame.

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 481 in total

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Elliot: Plus, according to county statue, all medical facilities in this region are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and change-rooms for their employees. Put that in your suggestion box and smoke it!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Where'd she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo?

Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Dr. Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who - who would want to?