Herman: Hey, you must be Dr. Dorian. I am, uh, Rolf's brother, Hermann.
J.D.: Herman the German! You must get that all the time!
Herman: No, first time...
J.D.: Oh.
Herman: Let's hope it catches on!

J.D.: Anyhoo, I think Mr. Mueller's so amazing. I mean, yesterday, I pretty much told him he was gonna die; and his brother turned to him and he said, "Es wird alles wieder gut." And Mr. Mueller just accepted it!
Elliot: Well, why wouldn't he? "Es wird alles wieder gut" means "You're going to be fine."
J.D.: Germans!

Mr. Mueller: Sobald ich nach Hause komme, werde ich eine ganze Schokoladentorte essen!!
J.D.: Please tell me he just said, "My brother told me the truth, and I'm dealing with it the best that I can."
Elliot: He said, "As soon as I get home, I'm eating an entire chocolate cake."

J.D.: You mind telling me why you lied to your brother about his condition?
Herman: You-you talk too fast.
Elliot: He said, "Warum haben sie ihren Bruder angelogen?"
Herman: Ich wollte meinen Bruder nicht Angst machen. Arschloch.
Elliot: He didn't want to upset his brother, jackass!
J.D.: Fine, just tell him that lying to his brother isn't gonna make him any better!
Laverne: We got Mr. Mueller's ultrasound back.
J.D.: His Biliary obstruction's relieved, and he's taking P.O.
Herman: That's good, yes?
J.D.: Da!
Elliot: Ja.
Herman: Ah!

Dr. Kelso: Ted, I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.
Ted: Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department - I'm an attorney.
Dr. Kelso: Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuff Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?

J.D.: ...And now, Mr. Mueller's doing so much better, I'm not even sure telling him the truth about his pancreatic cancer is even the best thing for him.
Dr. Cox: So, what you're saying is that you have a problem that is totally your problem, but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem. But here's the problem, Newbie: it's not my problem. So whatta you say we stop talking about the Janitor's junk; I'd like to hear nahsing about ze German; and don't even mention Tasty Coma Wife, even though I know she's on your mind.

Dr. Cox: Well, since we are sharing: I have to go home and face Jordan and tell her that I didn't ditch her little hatchling on account of being lazy - I did it because, whenever I'm alone with that child, do you know what I feel? Nothing. So whatta you say, you wanna-you wanna trade your big problems for mine?
J.D.: No thanks.
Dr. Cox: It was worth a try.

J.D.: Okay. Uh, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Janitor: Benign... 'bout nine and a half...

Elliot: This is awkward.
Turk: Yeah, Elliot, could you, uh, be quiet please?
Elliot: Okay. But if it gets too quiet, you could just fall asleep, and then I might just creep into your head and rock your world! Unh!

Turk: Elliot, you don't get it, do you? Look, ever since I met Carla, I haven't dreamt about another woman.
Elliot: Turk! You're engaged. I mean, it's a huge commitment! It's totally natural to feel trapped or uncertain... maybe even a little scared?
Turk: Really?
Laverne: Uh-huh... Sorry.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan.
Jordan: You know, it's funny - I can't even be pissed and want you to die, screaming in agony, as two horses pull you apart when I'm looking at this beautiful face.

Elliot: He wants to know why his brother lied to him.
J.D.: Uh... I guess he was trying to protect you. Or maybe he thought he was trying to protect you, but he was actually protecting himself.
Elliot: Hang on, I forgot what "protect" is, and you used it, like, five times.

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Look, Carla, if you're gonna survive in medicine, you've got to accept the fact that rules are rules. Hey! Anyone from that clinical trial around? Hello? Hello?... Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Orderly: Okay.
Carla: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Cox: When you speak of this - and I know you will - could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.

Julie: Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me?
Dr. Cox: Okay. Well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, way too much. I mean, jeepers, Julie, don't you understand you got half the doctors on this staff believing that if they go ahead and join team Plomox, that they got an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle? Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went ahead and put a six-hundred percent mark-up on it. But, hey, the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company damn-sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, that just means you don't care, either. And that's... pretty much what's making me sick; that's all.
Julie: Well, you can say what you want, Perry. But we both know that you'd love nothing more than to smack this fine ass.