(J.D. runs kissing drills with Rowdy)
J.D.: How's that?
Turk: You close your eyes way too early. And you always go in right; you should try going in left - the girls'll dig that.
J.D.: Okay. Fo'shizzle. What's up, girl.
Carla: Aw, there's nothing in life that dog could have done to deserve that.
Turk: What you talking about? My man's single, he's just running drills to keep his stuff sharp. That's all.
Carla: Ohhh.
J.D.: Also, it would be super fantastic if you never mention this to anyone, ever.
Turk: Are you crazy? You know she's gonna say something. We're talking about Carla, here!
Carla: So now I'm a gossip?
Turk: Yeah, you're a gossip! You gossip all the time!
Carla: Since when?
Turk: Since ever-forever!

Elliot: Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.
Paul: You know, Elliot, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.
Elliot: Yeah... never gonna happen.

J.D.: You know...he's-he's the same. How are you doing?
Jamie: Actually, I was just calculating how much time I need to spend here so I don't feel guilty all week... And now I need to double it, because I can't believe I just said that.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Carla, would you be good enough to take this young gentleman back to his room in Pediatrics? Apparently as a form of social protest, he chewed on and subsequently swallowed part of a Rolling Stones CD. I'll tell you what, there, Ralphie: They sold out for good once they started doing Ford commercials, you know what I'm saying?
Ralphie: Hm?
Carla: I dunno.
Dr. Cox: We-we'll talk later.

Ralphie: I had that inside of me.
Laverne: What, now?
Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on.
Ralphie: I swallowed that ring, and my dad had to wait for me to go Number Two. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut.
Laverne: Mm. Good show today.

Paul: What are you eating?
Elliot: Turkey jerky. Protein, baby! Go for it.
Paul: Uh, no thanks.
Elliot: You don't like jerky?
Paul: I've never tried jerky.
Turk: You've never tried jerky?
Elliot: Well, jerky rocks.
Paul: I won't like it.
Elliot: You'll love it - have one bite.
Paul: Elliot, I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'm gonna have to pass.
Elliot: Uh! Oh, so, eight stitches, and now you don't trust me.
Paul: Elliot!
Elliot: And you wanted above-the-covers sex!

Turk: Sorry, buddy, can't swing it tonight.
J.D.: Oh, come on, player, just a few beers! And if we accidentally run into some skanky hos, then so be it!
Jamie: I'll go. I totally need to blow off some steam. Plus, the best way to meet skanky hos is to already have a girl with you.
J.D.: Not that I need any help.

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. I gotta tell you about that day.
Jordan: I can't believe I haven't named him yet. I've been calling him Monkey Face all day - I think they would tease him at school.

Dr. Cox: Seriously, Jordan, I had this one patient-
Jordan: He's got a boodgie the size of a grape in his nose. Would you run back to the hospital and get me one of those suctiony thingies?
Dr. Cox: If I'm not back in twenty minutes, I don't want you to worry because it simply means I drove by a prostitute on the way home.
Jordan: Oh, make sure it's a girl.

Paul: Please don't do this.
Elliot: Do what?
Paul: The whole drama queen thing.
Elliot: The jerky incident is exactly what is wrong with our relationship, Paul!
Paul: Thank you.

Jamie: So, how does this whole wing-man thing work?
J.D.: Okay, essentially, you have to think of yourself as chum, okay?
Jamie: Okay.
J.D.: And your job as chum is to lure attractive women closer to the boat.
J.D.'s Narration: Mental note: "The Boat" could be a very cool new nickname.

Carla: Is this true!?
Turk: Ralphie, I paid you ten dollars!
Carla: This is disgusting!
Turk: Why is it disgusting?
Ralphie: Because it was in my butt!
Turk: Ralphie, I'm dead serious: I want you to shut up! And you shut your mouth, now!

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

So, you caught sight of the Janitor's window crank, and think you may have seen a little melanoma on there? Hmm! Well, then, it's your obligation as a doctor and your privilege as a woman to go back and ask him if you can't see it one more time. Now, 'course I'd love to help, but I'm off to babysit the only other being on God's green earth who's needier than you.

Dr. Cox

Dr Cox: Now, listen, you tell or else!
Elliot: Or else what? You'll treat me worse than you usually do? Here's the inside scoop, Perry: For the first time, I have leverage. You're familiar with leverage, right? It's what you're going to need when you disimpact Mr. Burnett - who, by the way, is so locked up, I'm guessing he's been eating either gum, rubber cement, or cork.
Dr. Cox: Look. Barbie.
Elliot: Yeah... that's not my name.
Dr. Cox: Fine... Dr...Reid? Really?
Elliot: What?
Dr. Cox: Nothing.