Scrubs Season 3 Quotes
Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is not as easy as it looks. I mean, he's gotta make the incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner, and after all that he's gotta go wash up, check the board, and find out who he'll be killing after lunch. It's... a grind.
Dr. Cox
Danni: I gotta get out of there. You think maybe I could crash at your house?
J.D.: Sure. Just bring your own toilet paper. It's...kind of a little rule we have with our guests. Preferably something two-ply!
Turk: How's it going, Danni?
Danni: Great. I'm crashing at your place tonight.
Turk: Oh, cool... Bring toilet paper.
J.D.: I already told her.
Turk: How'd you get Dr. Cox to like you?
J.D.: Dr. Cox said he liked me!?
Turk: No, you're missing the point-
J.D.: I need to know three things immediately: Where was he when he said it, what inflection did he use, and had he been drinking? You know what, I don't care about the third one; sometimes when you've been drinking you're the most truthful.
Turk: Okay, look, I know Carla's gonna have her little pre-wedding panic attack, and what if she has her good ol' buddy Dr. Cox there to tell her what a jackass I am, huh? Then what?
J.D.: You know what? I'm glad he was drunk.
Dr. Kelso: Ladies, explain to me why you are so concerned with my policy on patients having sex in the hospital.
Carla: No reason!
Elliot: Just curious!
Carla: Trying to learn.
Elliot: I love you... sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, why don't we make it the same as my sex policy with my wife: Absolutely not! Now make me a sandwich.
J.D.'s Narration: God, I'm horrible at giving bad news! Wait a sec, I'm a doctor, I give bad news all the time. Just like I did with Mr. Clark this morning. Who does his daughter always remind me of?... Molly Ringwald! Heh. Man, she was good in 'The Breakfast Club'. I should rent that again. Come on! Focus! You have to tell her! God, I need something to get me out of it! Anything!
The phone rings
J.D.: Hello?... Yes, this is J.D.!... I'd love to pick you up at jail!
Carla: Ted's helping Maggie with her will.
Maggie: Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get through sixty pages so quickly?
Ted: Well, Miss Hibersol, it helps to not really know what you're doing.
Maggie: I guess I was just waiting for someone special, and now I feel like I've missed out on one of the fundamental experiences of life for no good reason, you know?
Carla: Is there anything we can do?
Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.
Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too - not about me, though, my mom... She gets lonely.
Dr. Cox: About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to "crash for a while." Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice...I don't even know anymore.
Ted: Same thing happened to me. After my divorce, I told Mariana I was going to crash at her place for a few weeks, and we've been sharing a bed for eight years.
J.D.: Isn't Mariana your mother?
Ted: Hey, who are we talking about here, you or me?
Todd: Nurse, I know you're new here, so I wanted to offer you the chance to assist me in a bypass later. And by that I mean we'd bypass the kissing and go straight to the....
(The nurse removes the mask)
Todd: Oh, my God, you're a dude?
Turk: Sorry, Larry.
(Larry goes off to clean up)
Todd: Aw, I feel so bad. Look, I'll make it up to him. I will hook him up with...(scans room)...that chick!
Turk: Dude, that's Larry again.
Todd: Ohhh!
J.D.'s Narration: And the janitor will think of new ways to torture me.
Janitor: Hey. Don't open your locker for the next couple of days.
Ted is about to jump off the roof
Ted: Not today! Life's too good!
Dr. Kelso: Chicken.
Carla: You know, you're always taking shots at Turk, but you've never really told me what you think of him as a person.
Dr. Cox: Me-me-me-me, me-me-me-me-meeee. Ah, there's the right pitch.
