Scrubs

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes (Page 11)

Season 4 Episode 21: "My Lips Are Sealed"

J.D.: You were late the last time.
Turk: Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
J.D.: Yeah, but last week I set it back three hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
Turk: Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead five hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
J.D.: But then I set it back forty-three minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside-down to see if it looked like the word Bob, which incidentally, it totally does-
Turk: That's true.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Turk, with everything that's happened I'm just having trouble trusting you.
Turk: Baby, if there's anyone in this world that you can trust, it's me.
Carla: Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust, so how am I supposed to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
Turk: My head hurts.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Poor Mr. Gerst. I wonder what that's like, to have an erection for nine hours.
Todd: Ask me in twenty minutes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Just a quick question. Why is it an accident, when he's with you, but when Jack gets hurt on my time, it's because I'm not careful enough?
Jordan: Because, I...
Dr. Cox: Oh dear God, you're speechless. I won! I won an argument! Jack, it's unprecedented. We'll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh God, we love beer!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Oh, it's so nice to get out. Oh, hey do you know who sings this song?
J.D.: No, but I can tell you who doesn't sing it. Billy Joel, who brought us such hits as "Uptown Girl" and "Matter of Trust". And speaking of trust, do you know who's really trustworthy? Turk. I call him Turkey Turkey Turkey Turkey Trust Trust. A little nickname.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Elliot: So, Mr. Gerst. Your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself. I think we're going to need to schedule a procedure to relieve the... uh...
Dr. Kelso: Woodiness.
Mr. Gerst: My fiancee's only twenty-four and she said she wanted to do something special this morning. Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family. The pills didn't really kick in until just about the moment I'm introduced to her ninety year old grandma. Sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: J.D., you're drunk!
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Yes it is! It's a friend kiss and we will never talk about this to anyone ever!
Elliot: What's going on?
J.D.: Nothing.
Carla: J.D. and I kissed.
J.D.: Carla!
Elliot: You kissed? Like a friend kiss?
J.D.: Yes!
Carla: No!
J.D.: Carla! You're killing me!
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Alright, fine. I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what? The two of us have two distinctively different parenting styles. You're an overbearing hypercautious psychotic, and I'm... well, you know... fun? And I think if we could meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's going to be terrific! And besides, it's not like I ever put him in any real danger.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jack: Flip.
Jordan: Flip? What does flip mean, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Jack probably thinks that Mommy and Daddy are being a little too sarcastic with each other.
Janitor: Maybe. Or, it's because every time he says "Flip", Daddy does a little trick where he grabs Jack by the ankles, he flips him upside down, he drops him down onto his shoulders, and then puts him in a little baby trapeze, shoots him across the sandbox without a net.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: I'm such a horrible person. I mean, there I was, up on my high horse about Mr. Gerst and then I just turned out to be just as bad as everyone else.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, give yourself some credit. You're much worse than everyone else.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: I'm going to try to better myself, and unlike you, I'm going to follow through, Mr. "Sign up on the Hospital Bulletin Board for Private German Lessons and then Never Show Up"! Yeah, that's right. That was my flyer! I waited at that coffee shop for hours.
Dr. Kelso: I broke up with my German mistress. She smelled like sauerkraut.
Elliot: I'm so sorry.
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: There you are. Hey Ted. So how'd it go last night?
J.D.: Whoa! What's with the fifth degree?
Turk: Don't you mean third degree?
J.D.: No, because this is two degrees worse. I can't breathe, it's like you're all over me. I'm trapped in a death coffin.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jordan: I normally never let people touch him.
Janitor: Oh really? Because these photographs would beg to differ. Old lady, kissing Jack. Teenage girl, hugging Jack. Homeless man, holding Jack.
Dr. Cox: Jordan!
Jordan: That's just Carl. He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax!
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: I have to tell you a story. When I was in the seventh grade, I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom. So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my, uh, private business. And then when I went to pull up my pants, I started rolling towards the door, which as it turned out wasn't latched. Now, I don't know if you've had any experience roller skating with your underpants around your ankles--it's very difficult to stop. Unless of course, you know, you scream so loud that they turn off the music and everyone is looking at you. Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname "Roller Moler".
Gerst: I'm sorry?
Elliot: I have a mole on my ass. The cute kind! Not the hairy kind.
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Baby, from here on out I hide nothing from you. It's a clean start for us. Sports time!
J.D.'s narration: Because in the end, things work out for the best.
Carla: J.D. and I kissed.
J.D.'s narration: Or not.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s Narration: In my four years there have been many emergencies at Sacred Heart, but none like this one, because today-
J.D.: Where is he?
J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox's son needed two stitches!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Dr. Cox, got here as soon as I-
Dr. Cox: Shut it, Newbie. Your blacker half is trying to concentrate.
J.D.: How are you holding up?
Turk: I'm a little nervous.
J.D.: Well, now you make me all nervous.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s Narration: We all held our breath together.
Dr. Cox: The surgeon lives!
(The Todd faints)
J.D.: The Todd forgot to breathe again. Starting CPR.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Mr. Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
Gerst: I took some pills.
Elliot: Come on, help me out here. Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleepy pills, wake up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, Spain pills...
Gerst: Man pills? The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than four hours.
Elliot: If what persists?... Oh! Um... Let's just say you took uppers.
 • Rating: Unrated

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