Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terrence.
Dr. Cox: Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all of the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life.

Dr. Kelso: No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Ted: Three-twelve times four-eighty-one equals... Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!

Elliot: And he doesn't always tell me what to do. I mean, sure, he did tell me to come up here and talk to you, but I was gonna do that anyway 'cause I wanted to ask if you thought I should wear hooker heels or flats with my pink skirt when we go celebrate my new job tonight - but instead I'm trying to figure out what your problem is.
Carla: Look! I thought you were staying, okay? I've been here for eleven years, and it's always the same story: I get really close to someone, they move on. I don't wanna be fifty, making friends with the new 25-year-old interns, Elliot. They'll make fun of me when we go dancing!

Bob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest-egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.

Dr. Cox

Ted: If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
Jordan: In this hell-hole, I'll need a gun!
Ted: Bottom left.

Turk: Now, listen to me. You gotta make tonight count. 'Cause you'll never be as cool as you were when you were rollin' with The Big Dog as your roommate, you know?
J.D.'s Narration: No, I didn't know.

Hooch: Who the hell...put bouillon cubes in the shower head!?! Huh? Hm, did you do it? Hm? Did you? If it happens again, I will wait in my S.U.V., blast me some speed-metal - 5.1 surround sound, heavy on the bass - and someone...will be getting...mowed...down.
J.D.: Hooch is crazy! I'm really gonna miss this kinda stuff.
Turk: Why? We'll still be able to pull pranks on him after you move out.
J.D.: Yeah, but we won't be able to stay up 'til six in the morning planning anything as genius as the soup shower!

Turk: Who are these guys?
J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital who don't realize I suck at basketball.
Turk: Ah.
J.D.: Okay, so here's what's gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook-shot, okay?
Turk: Ah-huh?
J.D.: So when we go to pick teams, I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say, "I'll take that guy!" At which point, Carla is gonna page me. And I'll say, "Crap, I gotta go." And you go, "Damn! We just lost the best player out here!" Then there'll be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports, and word will spread.
Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
J.D.: Between these thoughts.

J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's boyfriend, Jake, had given her confidence to do things she'd never been able to do before.
Jake: Okay, you ready to do this?
Elliot: You know it!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Like talking to people when she's on the toilet.
Jake: Uh, okay, uh, I know how comfortable you are with Carla, so I'm gonna have her do the talking, all right? You just say when.
Elliot: There's cheeks on the seat, and I'm feeling good! Let's hear it.
Carla: Hello, Elliot. How are you doing?
Jake: She went out the window.

Jordan: Don't sweat it too much, kid. He wore so much cologne on our first date, I had to sell my Miata!
Dr. Cox: WHY?
Jordan: For funsies!
Dr. Cox: Heel!
Lonnie: Thanks for that.
Jordan: Keep movin', fetus face.

Elliot: Ohhh, my God, you're right.
Carla: Don't let him be your puppet-master.
Jake: Hey!
Elliot: Hey.
Jake: What's up?
Elliot: I have a headache.
Jake: Take some aspirin.
Elliot: Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!

J.D.: Here at Sacred Heart, you get to work with some of the finest doctors in the country.
Todd: Out of my way! I got a doozy of a twosie!

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

Yo, Hooch is seriously crazy.

J.D.