Well, look, Carla, Jake makes me happy! Plus, there's a decent chance he'll be my second serious boyfriend not to end up in bed with my mom or my brother Barry.

Elliot

J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's boyfriend, Jake, had given her confidence to do things she'd never been able to do before.
Jake: Okay, you ready to do this?
Elliot: You know it!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Like talking to people when she's on the toilet.
Jake: Uh, okay, uh, I know how comfortable you are with Carla, so I'm gonna have her do the talking, all right? You just say when.
Elliot: There's cheeks on the seat, and I'm feeling good! Let's hear it.
Carla: Hello, Elliot. How are you doing?
Jake: She went out the window.

Turk: Now, listen to me. You gotta make tonight count. 'Cause you'll never be as cool as you were when you were rollin' with The Big Dog as your roommate, you know?
J.D.'s Narration: No, I didn't know.

Turk: You know how you're prone to overly sensitive girly displays of sentimentality?
J.D.: Guilty.

J.D.'s Narration: Turk didn't even realize he'd pissed me off, so explaining my feelings to him was the smart move. I took a slightly different tack.
J.D.: That seat's taken, ass-face!
Turk: By who?
J.D.: Hello there, Chocolate Bear Two.
Turk: Hooch!? J.D., what the hell is going on here!?
J.D.: I replaced your ass!

J.D.: Errrr... Jake? Is it?
Jake: Yeah... it is...
J.D.: I know your name, Jake, I'm being condescending. It's Jake, right?

Yo, Hooch is seriously crazy.

J.D.

Dr. Cox: You see, the woman is everywhere! She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her, and that used to be fine when she just came round for five minutes every month or so to fed on my dignity, but now! I'd honestly kill myself Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan wouldn't already be there, waiting for me in the afterlife! You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride, all along the banks of the river Styx!
Dr. Kelso: I'm so glad you shared.

Jordan: Oh, yeah, Ted, I moved the file cabinet. I'm gonna miss this office.
Dr. Cox: Why? It smells like that odd combo of flopsweat, hopelessness, and feet.

Janitor: No better pick-me-up than a slice of Mom's pie!
J.D.: Why are you so obsessed with this?
Janitor: I dunno. I think it's 'cause this time, I wasn't trying to mess with you.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor digs in and takes a bite.
Janitor: Really.
J.D. takes the fork and has a bite.
Janitor: Huh?
Cut to Men's Room
J.D.: Who would do this to themselves?
Janitor: Totally worth it.
J.D.'s Narration: As every piece of food I'd put into my body in the last year was rushing out of me, it got me thinking.

Dr. Cox: All right, then, before we jump in to rounds, I see it's time for my annual cologne intervention. Lonnie, you're killing us. And, honestly, what's the point? D'you understand that no matter how badly you wanna get freaky with Karen, here, that's just not going to happen, and here's why: She thinks you have the body of a fetus. Oh, Karen, did you tell me that in confidence?
Karen: No, he knows.
Lonnie: She drew me a picture.

Ted: If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
Jordan: In this hell-hole, I'll need a gun!
Ted: Bottom left.

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Carla: So are you guys gonna go out tonight?
Turk: No, we're gonna stay in.
Carla: Well, I'll be in the bedroom with all the straight people.

Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the Earth is full of people who are deep down filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd, people are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.
Dr. Cox: Exactly!