Dr. Kelso: Welcome aboard! This will be your office for the next few days! Ted, find someplace else to work.
Ted: Aw, man! Not again!

Hooch: By the by, Johnny told me that you were responsible for my...brothy shower the other day.
Turk: Well, you know...
Hooch: If it happens again, I'm gonna take one of your fingers. That'll be my... funny prank.

Ted: If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
Jordan: In this hell-hole, I'll need a gun!
Ted: Bottom left.

So here I am. Sitting on a box, in an empty apartment with a dead dog, and a single tear on my cheek. I can't help but wonder how I got to this place.

J.D.'s Narration

J.D.: Just say you're sorry, give me a hug, and this'll all be over.
Turk: Why do I have to say I'm sorry?
J.D.: Dude, I don't mean to sound girly, but, for the last twelve years, you've practically been like...my wife.
Turk: How is that girly?

Elliot: And he doesn't always tell me what to do. I mean, sure, he did tell me to come up here and talk to you, but I was gonna do that anyway 'cause I wanted to ask if you thought I should wear hooker heels or flats with my pink skirt when we go celebrate my new job tonight - but instead I'm trying to figure out what your problem is.
Carla: Look! I thought you were staying, okay? I've been here for eleven years, and it's always the same story: I get really close to someone, they move on. I don't wanna be fifty, making friends with the new 25-year-old interns, Elliot. They'll make fun of me when we go dancing!

Lonnie: Thanks for that.
Jordan: Keep movin', fetus face.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, um... Lookit, I tried to guilt you into not taking that job.
Jordan: Really? Look, I don't wanna be one of those moms that never sees her kids. But I also don't wanna be one of those moms that stays at home but then resents her kids 'cause she wishes she was working so she could go to an office and feel bad about not being at home with her kids. I was just worried that you would think I was a bad mom.
Dr. Cox: Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically-enhanced battle-axe that I truly doubt is a hundred percent human, but... you are an amazing mom.

Carla: I think we should have a baby.
Turk: Whoa!
Carla: Hm?
Turk: Whoa!!
Carla: What?
Turk: I know you're feeling abandoned right now, but we just went through a really rough spot, and I'm not the type of guy to make life-changing decisions without thinking about it for at least, like... a few months.
Carla opens her top to reveal a sexy camisole underneath.
Turk: Let's make a baby.

J.D.'s Narration: And so here I am - a guy in an empty apartment with a dead dog. Oh, and that's not a tear on my cheek, that's just from the leak in my ceiling. And, yes, change is scary, but it's also inevitable. It's up to you to make the best of it. I mean, it's not like opportunity is just gonna fall in to your lap.
The leaking ceiling collapses, and a woman in a sudsy bathtub plummets onto J.D.'s moving boxes.
Woman: Agh!
J.D.'s Narration: Then again...
J.D.: Howdy, neighbor, I'm Jonathan!
Woman: Hi.
A half-naked, mean looking guy crashes down next to them.
Guy: You eyeballin' my woman?
J.D.'s Narration: I hate change.

Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry, son, I'd love to help you out, but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.
Janitor: My floors are my children! I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES!

Hoffner: Why do I have to have my gallbladder taken out?
Dr. Cox: Because, Mr. Hoffner, you have gallstones.
Hoffner: Why do I have gallstones?
Dr. Cox: Did you possibly eat a large gall-boulder and then fall on your stomach?
Hoffner: Do I need my gallbladder?
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, it is a completely useless organ. Oh, wait a minute, that's not completely true. Here, it turns out, we could remove it and then jam it in your mouth to keep you from asking the same question we've been going over for three straight days.

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Elliot: Keep up, people! We got pre-rounds to do! Get the lead out, Elvis!
J.D.: Okay, she's gone. Now, I've heard some rumors there's been some fraternizing with some of Dr. Reid's residents. Now, I don't want to mention any names... but, Slobodan, enough of that crap!
Doug: Watch your ass.

Janitor: Um. We should be friends.
Molly: Okay.
Janitor: Do you like vanning?
Molly: I don't know what that is.
Janitor: It's kind of my thing. It's like taking a long drive in a car, only uh... it's in a van.
Molly: I'm still not getting it.
Janitor: Could you hang on for one sec?... She's an idiot.