Yo, Hooch is seriously crazy.

J.D.

Janitor: Who's ready for a pie break?
J.D.: No!
Janitor: Come on, why not?
J.D.: Why don't you ask Todd? Due to what can only be described as epic diarrhea, he's been on an I.V. drip for thirty-six hours!
Todd: Make-it-stop five?

Jordan: So, do you think I should take the job? Perry?
Dr. Cox: Oh. I'm sorry, honey. I was just thinking about this little boy in here. He's only eight years old and he's terminal. I just hope his parents spent as much time with him as they could - you're here one minute, and then the next you're... What, uh, what were you saying?
Jordan: Nothing.

J.D.: Come here, boy! Come on, Rowdy!
Turk: No, you come here and eat your steak!
Carla: What are you doing?
J.D.: Oh, whoever Rowdy goes to first, he gets to keep him. Rowdy, if you come to me I'll scratch your special region!
Carla: So, you moved back all the furniture and defrosted our dinner with your sweaty hands for a joke!?
Turk: Yeah, we did...
Carla: If he stays, I'll drive him out to the country and leave him there.
J.D.'s Narration: Huzzah! He's mine!

Janitor: Who wants a piece of pie!
J.D.: Who made it?
Janitor: Let's say my mom.
J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, you get good at piecing things together.
Flashback
Nurse: Someone stole a case of laxatives.
Janitor: Who wants a piece of pie!
J.D.'s Narration: This one was obvious.
End Flashback
J.D.: No thank you.
Todd: Free pie? Hell yeah!

Nurse: Someone stole a whole case of laxatives from the supply closet.
Laverne: Don't look at me - I'm as regular as rain.

Dr. Kelso: Welcome aboard! This will be your office for the next few days! Ted, find someplace else to work.
Ted: Aw, man! Not again!

Dr. Kelso: No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Ted: Three-twelve times four-eighty-one equals... Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!

J.D.'s Narration: And so here I am - a guy in an empty apartment with a dead dog. Oh, and that's not a tear on my cheek, that's just from the leak in my ceiling. And, yes, change is scary, but it's also inevitable. It's up to you to make the best of it. I mean, it's not like opportunity is just gonna fall in to your lap.
The leaking ceiling collapses, and a woman in a sudsy bathtub plummets onto J.D.'s moving boxes.
Woman: Agh!
J.D.'s Narration: Then again...
J.D.: Howdy, neighbor, I'm Jonathan!
Woman: Hi.
A half-naked, mean looking guy crashes down next to them.
Guy: You eyeballin' my woman?
J.D.'s Narration: I hate change.

Carla: I think we should have a baby.
Turk: Whoa!
Carla: Hm?
Turk: Whoa!!
Carla: What?
Turk: I know you're feeling abandoned right now, but we just went through a really rough spot, and I'm not the type of guy to make life-changing decisions without thinking about it for at least, like... a few months.
Carla opens her top to reveal a sexy camisole underneath.
Turk: Let's make a baby.

Turk: What's the sex like?
Elliot: What makes you think that I have slept with him?
Dr. Kelso: For starters, you've known him more than ten minutes.

Elliot: Look, I have just been thinking about all of my relationships, and every time one has potential, I go too fast and ruin everything. Long story short, Jake's not getting any.
J.D.: Oh, please, you're a half a glass of wine away from nuding up and doing your go-to move.
Turk: Which is?
J.D.: Her on top, eyes closed, yelling, "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Turk: Whenever J.D. and I are bored, we like to play a little game called "toe or finger"?
Carla: Uh-huh?
Turk: You close your eyes, and I run either a toe or finger underneath your nose and try to guess which one it is!Turk: You close your eyes, and I run either a toe or finger underneath your nose and try to guess which one it is! Huh!? Fine. What do you want to do?
Carla: Usually when J.D. gets off work, we gossip about hospital stuff.
Turk: Baby, that sounds a little immature.

That's a cute couple. I give 'em a week.

Dr. Cox