Hoffner: Why do I have to have my gallbladder taken out?
Dr. Cox: Because, Mr. Hoffner, you have gallstones.
Hoffner: Why do I have gallstones?
Dr. Cox: Did you possibly eat a large gall-boulder and then fall on your stomach?
Hoffner: Do I need my gallbladder?
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, it is a completely useless organ. Oh, wait a minute, that's not completely true. Here, it turns out, we could remove it and then jam it in your mouth to keep you from asking the same question we've been going over for three straight days.

J.D.: Come on, Mr. Gilmore.
Turk: Come on, Colonel Mustard!... HA! Pay up.
Mr. Gilmore: Can I get some Jell-O, please?
J.D.: Jell-O is for winners.
Mr. Gilmore: What?
J.D.: I'm just kidding. We'll have some sent right to your room, big guy.

Elliot: I've never connected with a guy like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know Jake better than I know myself.
Carla: What does he do for a living?
Elliot: I should know that.

All right, everybody! Gather around here, circle it up, will ya? Bring it in nice and tight. Look, I know I'm pretty quick to point out other people's mistakes but...I have a son now, and I also realize that it's important to recognize when someone does something right. Mr. Blake down in Bed 3 came in here with what seemed like a basic heart block. But someone took the time to find out that recently he'd been camping and correctly diagnosed him with Lyme Carditis. Now, I'm sure some of your are gonna think this is a silly exercise, but I'd like that someone to step forward and stick your hand up in the air so that the group can recognize your great good work. This-this is no time to be modest. Come now... Oh! My God! It was me! I did it, I'm a genius, I'm a huge brain in a ripped up body, I am Jesus H. Cox...M.D.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself, so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient...
Lonnie: That's me, daddy.
J.D.: Put your hand down, Lonnie.
Dr. Cox: And then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis.
J.D.: In my defense, I was up late watching a 'Designing Women' marathon.

Elliot: Sex is disgusting!
Carla: I know, sweetie.

Elliot: I don't think that we were going too quick at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Elliot: Ohhh!
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God!

Dr. Cox: Mark my words: eventually you will tell people what'cha did.
Turk: Yeah, we'll see.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we'll see.
Turk: Yeah, we will see.
Dr. Cox: We will so see.
Turk: You wanna call it?
Dr. Cox: That's a pretty good idea.
Turk: See you later.

Wouldn't have mattered, Jordan. You know why? Because I am always right. It's something my... my old pal, Gandhi here, knows a little something about, because, you see, we are both egotistical peas in a giant narcissistic pod. And, to prove my point, I'm gonna go ahead and make a... unnecessarily showy but undeniably impressive exit. Rope time, Gandhi.

Dr. Cox

Jake: Elliot, but I'm an adult. I want this to be an adult relationship. If you wanna be patient and not have sex right away, then that's fine. 'Cause I think we have a chance for something great, too.
Elliot: I want you so bad right now.
Jake: Cool.
J.D.: Guess I should get goin'...

As I gangsta leaned down the hallway in the rad new wheels I found near the dumpster, I couldn't help but realize how ego affects everything.
(J.D. crashes the scooter into a cart of medical supplies)


Dr. Cox: Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you don't believe that?
Doug is on the floor of the morgue, trapped under a corpse.
Doug: I don't know how it happened again, but it did!

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah. Look, Claudia: Just promise me you won't get too involved with your patient. Okay?
J.D.'s Narration: After getting more involved, I found out Mr. Marks's son was an air-traffic controller at a small private airport.

J.D.: And it's our dad, and he's ranting and raving because he's an office supply salesman and he can't find a paper clip in the entire house.
Dan: Meanwhile, he gets to work the next morning, and he realises he's got a million of 'em in the trunk of his car.