Scrubs

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes (Page 7)

Season 4 Episode 23: "My Faith in Humanity"

Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here! I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether!
Dr. Cox: And on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and halleluia!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: OHHHH! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is "a giant ego"! I have a giant ego!
Elliot: Dammit! I knew that!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.
Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What'd you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'Cause if you hurt her...
Jake: I didn't say anything! Everyone around here is crazy.
Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you...
Jake: Bag of rats? Those alive?
Janitor: Most of 'em are. I put a dead one in the middle, that way all the live ones get a good look at him, they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?
Jake: I very much don't.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Can you believe this guy?
Dr. Kelso: Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her!
J.D.: Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't say it wasn't funny - I just said it happened.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand - which, incidentally, is ten thousand miles east of Australia, and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.
Jake: You've been brushing up on New England.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Barbie. Go get him! I... believe in you?
Elliot: Nnnno, you don't. You just want me to go and embarrass myself so you can laugh at me! Just like the time you told me the hospital fund-raiser was a costume party! I walked into a black-tie dinner dressed as Clarence Thomas...
Dr. Cox: I was in a costume, too.
Elliot: You wore an Armani tux.
Dr. Cox: I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself. How'd you not get that?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.'s Narration: As much as Hooch loved us, it was even better to see Turk happy. See, he and Carla had recently started couples therapy, and I'm not sure he was enjoying it.
Flashback
Therapist: Carla says you cry after you orgasm. Would you like to talk about that?
Turk: No, not really.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.'s Narration: Thankfully, Turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. Still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says goodbye.
Turk: Okay, I'll see you around.
(He socks J.D. in the arm hard)
J.D.: Agh!... Peace, homey!
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: She just got engaged. Bad comb-over and all!
Carla: When Clarissa beats you to the altar, it might be time to hang up the ovaries.
Elliot: Too mean!
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy would walk through the door.
Jake: Hi. I need some help. My neighbor fainted and she doesn't like ambulances, so I brought her in myself.
Elliot: Let me take this one, Jenny, you've got a phone call.
Jenny: Uh, I'll call them back.
Elliot: Your mom died.
Jenny: WHAT?!
Elliot: Her mom's fine. It's just a little running joke we have. She'll be laughing later. Got you, Jenny! Dead mom jokes - always funny. Heh.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Ow! Some people just cannot take a good "your mom's dead" joke, you know?
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Anyway, I worry that sometimes when I'm tense, I could be a little condescending.
Therapist: Actually, I've noticed that.
Carla: Have you really noticed it, "Mr. Therapist"?
 • Rating: Unrated

Therapist: Chris. What's going on with you?
Turk: Nothing worth talking about.
Therapist: This is your third visit, and you've yet to say anything real about how you're feeling.
Turk: That's because I don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.
Therapist: I think you pretend that everything's okay even though, deep down inside, a lot of things are bothering you. So, come on, tell me what you're thinking right now.
Turk: I'm staring at that picture above your head. Yeah, now, is that one of those psychological ink-blot tests where I try and figure out what it is? Because if so, I'm seeing a duck.
(There's a large photo of a duck)
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Turner: But Hooch, if the patient just has simple cellulitis, why aren't the antibiotics working?
Hooch: Dammit, Turner! It just doesn't make sense!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s Narration: Even though I had created a super medical crime-fighting team, I felt lousy. See, I had just told Betty that her lungs had finally given out and she wasn't gonna leave the hospital this time.
Betty: So... what are my choices?
J.D.: Well, we could put you on a breathing machine, but it's unlikely you'd ever come off of it. Or I could just make sure you're as comfortable as possible.
J.D.'s Narration: "As comfortable as possible." I've said that a million times and I still have no idea what it means.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Hey, Elliot.
Elliot: Mm.
Jake: So that girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
J.D.: She's a dude.
Jake: Nuh-uh.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Turk: So check this out: Our therapist says I'm the type of guy who pretends everything's okay even when I'm upset deep down inside.
J.D.: Well, I think that's true. I mean, if you look at the whole Carla kissing thing, I think intellectually you moved on, but emotionally you're still upset. You'll get there, though, pal.
Turk: I'm not upset!
J.D.: Really? Oh, okay. I'll see you later. Bye.
(Turk socks him in the arm.)
J.D.: Ow! You see!
Turk: See what?
J.D.: Let's try it again. I'll see you later, buddy. Bye!
Turk: Bye.
(Turk socks him again.)
J.D.: OW! Always the same spot! It's like your fingers are stone!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.
J.D.(reads post-it): "Buy Groceries. Kill Self."
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Just admit it - you're just here from the future to destroy me.
J.D.: I am not from the future, Jake! Gesundheit, Carol!
(Carol sneezes.)
J.D.: Yes! It finally worked! What are the odds?
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want. (Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs) You look ridiculous.
Turk: I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?
J.D.: I didn't do this, Kelso did!
Turk: You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?
J.D.: Enough with the mustaches, dude!
 • Rating: Unrated

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