Janitor: I know we haven't care of that whole asbestos thing from the '90s, and I know some toilets flush upward...
Dr. Kelso: Get to the point. My battery power's running low.
Janitor: The one thing that I'm proud of is that these floors are so clean you could eat off of 'em.
Dr. Kelso: Why is that?
Flashback
Janitor's Mom: If you're going to throw food on the floor, you can just eat there from now on.
End Flashback
Janitor: Soup night was the worst.

Dr. Cox: Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you don't believe that?
Doug is on the floor of the morgue, trapped under a corpse.
Doug: I don't know how it happened again, but it did!

Dr. Cox: And it's just the way I called it! Grampa Goatee to win, Pee-Pants to place, and Wrong-Way Wally not to finish!
Carla: He does have glaucoma.
Jordan: Well, I should have been told that!

Turk: I'm not like that, am I?
Carla: Actually, Turk, you are slightly Coxish. Yeah! I mean, the way you do that stupid victory dance every time you win the slightest argument?
Turk: No I don't!
Carla: Maybe not. Heh. You know, Turk, you were right! Next year is not a leap year!
Suddenly Turk's on top of the desk, doing his stupid victory dance, complete with SynDrum sound effect.
Turk: Dammit!

Elliot: Thanks for giving me a ride to work. I hope you didn't mind J.D. tagging along.
Jake: Mm-mm. Maybe next time we'll let you sit up front.
J.D.: Well, maybe next time she'll yell "shotgun" a little faster!

Todd: You did great work.
Turk: Hey, you know, it's not about me.
Dr. Cox comes up and puppets Turk's hand in the five.
Todd: Assisted five! I'll take it!

Dr. Cox: I cannot believe that you of all people are the one I have to tell this to: Ego is good, you dumb-ass. It's the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon, it's the reason that she is borderline attracted to you, and it's the reason she so desperately wants to marry you.
J.D.: Page me when you're headed home!

Jake: Elliot, but I'm an adult. I want this to be an adult relationship. If you wanna be patient and not have sex right away, then that's fine. 'Cause I think we have a chance for something great, too.
Elliot: I want you so bad right now.
Jake: Cool.
J.D.: Guess I should get goin'...

Elliot: I don't know how much longer I can avoid sleeping with Jake, man.
J.D.: It's easy. If you ever find yourself in a romantic situation, just do something that's a complete turn-off.
Carla: You know, like how you can swallow your whole fist.

Elliot: I'm giving up on men!
Carla: Just call him!
Elliot: You can't make me!
J.D.: Well, unfortunately for you, I happen to know that the guy you're dating is always under speed dial number one.
Phone: Constipation hotline?
J.D.: Two is your current boyfriend!

Jake: Wow, this Body Heat's a sexy movie, huh?
J.D.: Mmm. Doesn't Kathleen Turner have dynamite nerps?
Elliot: Yeah.

As I gangsta leaned down the hallway in the rad new wheels I found near the dumpster, I couldn't help but realize how ego affects everything.
(J.D. crashes the scooter into a cart of medical supplies)

J.D.

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

Elliot: I missed you guys so much.
Carla: Mmm. Oh, come over tonight! We're looking at wedding pictures.
Elliot: Ooh! There's this one picture of me right after I got sick off my... third champagne and Red Bull, and my hair is kind of like sexy-messy, and the photographer said he could airbrush all of the puke off my dress.
Carla: Already made doubles.