(to Dr. Maddox) Can we go? Cougars only drink free 'til nine.

Jordan

J.D.: This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contra lateral side is consistent with which syndrome...Rodney?
J.D.'s narration: There was Katie, the self centered climber.
Katie: (whispering to Rodney) McConaughey's.
Rodney: McConaughey's?
J.D.: McConaughey is not a syndrome, he is however one of our finest working actors. I recently learned how I could lose him in ten days. Katie is sabotaging you, I assume, because she knows the answer.
Katie: Brown-Sequard Syndrome.
J.D.: (sarcastic enthusiasm) Yay, Katie got it.

Dr. Maddox: (Looking in Ted's briefcase) Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well...one's in case I get sad and...the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well! See you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.

J.D.: So, this intern you mentioned earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty amazing doctor, didn't he?
Dr. Cox: Actually, it was a she.
J.D.: It wasn't me?
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, it was you. It was you.

J.D.: Someone needs to send those interns to an intern-ment camp.
Turk: Dude, internment camps are never funny.
J.D.'s narration: I always forget that Turk is one-eighth Japanese.

(Janitor sticks out mop handle and trips J.D.)
Janitor: Stop confusing me by being nice and giving me phones.
J.D.: Fine! But why'd you have to trip me?
Janitor: Let me answer that question with another question: 'cause I wanted to.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Hicks' cardiac test results. They're negative. What do you know about that? Just like the 100 other tests we ordered for a man whose only complaint was shortness of breath?
Dr. Maddox: I assume there's a nugget of a point buried in there.
Dr. Cox: Why are you running that guy through the wringer?
Dr. Maddox: Because he's got awesome insurance. He's a 100 percent pure profit machine. Ka, and might I add, ching.

You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with can because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.

Denise

J.D.: Huh! That's new.
Janitor: Oh yeah. My girlfriend gave me a watch. Do you give a crap, or are you just hoping that by pointing out something new of mine, I'll segue the conversation in talking about something new of yours? Like your new pre-pubescent Miami Vice beard.
J.D.: There are those who say I look like a young Kenny Loggins.
Janitor: Who?
J.D.: Me.

(to J.D.) Alright, listen, I want you to run some renal function tests on Mr. Hicks. Can you do that, or do you have more questions about my vagina?

Dr. Maddox

J.D.: Somebody has some very soft hands.
Ed: I sleep in gloves.

J.D.: Ed! Stop texting.
Ed: I'm not texting. I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts. There's a difference.
J.D.: Okay, we'll do that more later when we're together.

Scrubs Season 8 Quotes

J.D.: Look Elliot, I dunno if its possible for me to put how I feel about you into words but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find someone I loved as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk
Elliot: Oh my god
J.D.: It's kind of hard for me to say, but it's true

Dr. Kelso: You know, you hurt my feelings earlier.
Dr. Cox: In my defense, you are a soulless creature from the netherworld who doesn't really have feelings