Dr. Maddox: (Looking in Ted's briefcase) Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well...one's in case I get sad and...the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well! See you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.

J.D.'s narration: Okay. Time to connect with the new Chief using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.
Taylor: Oh, is that your boy?
J.D.: What's that? Oh yeah. His name is Sam.
Taylor: I have a daughter of my own.
J.D.'s narration: It's working. Now seal the deal with a follow-up question. But nothing too personal.
J.D.: Did you deliver vaginally?

J.D.: Somebody has some very soft hands.
Ed: I sleep in gloves.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Hicks' cardiac test results. They're negative. What do you know about that? Just like the 100 other tests we ordered for a man whose only complaint was shortness of breath?
Dr. Maddox: I assume there's a nugget of a point buried in there.
Dr. Cox: Why are you running that guy through the wringer?
Dr. Maddox: Because he's got awesome insurance. He's a 100 percent pure profit machine. Ka, and might I add, ching.

J.D.: Someone needs to send those interns to an intern-ment camp.
Turk: Dude, internment camps are never funny.
J.D.'s narration: I always forget that Turk is one-eighth Japanese.

Sunny: Oh, he's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know? I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.
Dr. Cox: For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being a just and exceptional physician, because the fact of the matter is, he's a damn exceptional person. It's why people gravitated to him. It's why I did. He was my friend.
J.D. [appears from behind Cox]: Thank you, God. That - was - beautiful.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, no.
J.D.: It's okay, Perry, you just said how you feel! Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in.
[J.D. hugs Dr. Cox]
J.D.: You smell like a father figure.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Please stop.
J.D.: Mmmmmm...

Patient's Son: Are you new, Doctor?
J.D.: Actually it's my last day
Patient's Son: Yeah that makes sense
J.D.: That was hurtful

Carla: The only time you haven't been together was our honeymoon... [sees their looks] What?
J.D.: It's time
Turk: Honey, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool
J.D.: He forgot his favorite lotion. Was I supposed to let him get ashy?
Turk: We only hung out together when you were sleeping or when I said I was getting a massage.
J.D.: Sometimes you were... [starts massaging Turk]

Kim: Hey, J.D., since you're coming around my hospital a lot more often now, I was hoping maybe you could dress a little nicer and maybe say smell you later a little less often or just stop completely?
J.D.: Are you sure? It's hilarious
Kim: It's not.

Displaying quotes 37 - 45 of 121 in total