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Kramer: I'm human...
Jerry: In your way.

Jerry: And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?

Elaine: Excuse me, master packer!
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: Just gimme your keys.

(giving house sitting instructions) One last thing, Benes. Regarding sexual activitystrictly prohibited, but, if you absolutely must, do us all a favor and do it in the tub.

Jerry

Response when he realizes his answering machine was taken:
Jerry: I hate the thought of someone out there returning my calls.

Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Clapco 8000. It's the most powerful lock they make. It has only one design flaw...the door...MUST BE CLOSED!!

Elaine: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a break from my roommate.
George: Oh, the actress-waitress.
Elaine: No, the waitress-actress.

The hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower.

Jerry

Elaine: (claps hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.
Jerry: I am the master packer.

Kramer: I said, "I know about the stuff," you know, so he'd take me into his confidence.
Elaine: What did he say?
Kramer: "What stuff?"
Jerry: Oh, case closed.

I go to visit my grandparents. They're having big brisket sandwiches; I'm sitting here with a carrot!

George

Larry: I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.
George: We're really glad for you.
Elaine: Couldn't be happier.
Jerry: It's wonderful.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 30 in total

Seinfeld Season 1 Episode 3 Quotes

Policeman: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer is that 'bout it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of someone out there returning my calls.

Policeman: Well, Mr. Seinfeld, we'll look into it and, uh, we'll let you know if we find anything.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Policeman: No.