Seinfeld

Seinfeld "The Ticket" Quotes

George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who's he?
Jerry: He's somebody!
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good, you're not.
George: I'm better than him!
Jerry: You're worse! Much much worse.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kramer: Yo-Yo Ma!
 • Rating: Unrated

Newman: Would you please tell the court, in your own words, what happened on the afternoon of September 10th.
Kramer: What do you mean in my own words? Who's words are they gonna be?
 • Rating: Unrated

George: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

George: That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there.
 • Rating: Unrated

Newman: Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: You know, a muffin can be very filling!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: (to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Newman: (outside Kramer's door) Come on, are you ready? Let's go.
Kramer: (opens the door, still has shaving cream on his face) For what?
Newman: What's the matter with you? I just spoke to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: About what?
Newman: The courthouse, you gotta go with me too the court house, I'm contesting a ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me, you-you're my alibi, you have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT THAT MEANS!
Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Kramer answers Jerry's phone and begins speaking Italian)
Jerry: What are you doing? What's wrong with you, what are you doing? Give me that phone. Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today.
(Kramer mutters and leaves)
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi, I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor, he's not quite himself, he got kicked in the head.
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite quote from "The Ticket?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!