I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen...thing...

George

My name is Bob!

Kramer

Tor: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.
Jerry: And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

I'm an eggplant!

George

Well it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Jerry

George: What should I do, Kramer?Jerry: Well for one thing, don't listen to him.

Women go after doctors like men go after models, they want someone with knowledge of the body, we just want the body.

Jerry

Yeah if you're exposed to gamma rays!

Jerry

Boy, they've got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital!

Kramer

Elaine: Hey, where's Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. That's like asking: where's Waldo?

Meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupus? Is it Lupus?!

George

You're bringing in an outside cucumber?

Elaine

Seinfeld Season 2 Quotes

I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

George

Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me.