Seinfeld

NBC

Season: 4 3 2 1

Seinfeld Season 3 Quotes (Page 9)

Season 3 Episode 11: "The Alternate Side"

Jerry: That's my car!
Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Car thief: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Car thief: Hmmm, nah. I'm gonna keep it.
• Rating: Unrated

Jerry: Owen March? I never heard of him.
Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player.
• Rating: Unrated

Elaine: (on Owen) You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Rental Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.
• Rating: Unrated

Elaine: (on Owen) I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him. (scene changes) I just don't enjoy being with him.
• Rating: Unrated

Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Elaine: Hmm... how's the pasta over there?
• Rating: Unrated

Kramer: I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
Jerry: You mean a career.
• Rating: Unrated

Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
Kramer: He said, "Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?"
• Rating: Unrated

Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question.
George: Do I smell?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Elaine: So, was Mia Farrow there?
Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.
• Rating: Unrated

George: (taking the lunch check) Here, let me get that. I smashed your car, cost you $2,000...
Jerry: Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover that.
• Rating: Unrated

Elaine: Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?
Jerry: Well, I'll tell ya, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.
• Rating: Unrated

Sid: (to George) Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on?
• Rating: Unrated

Elaine: (singing to Owen) Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans.
• Rating: 3.3 / 5.0

Elaine: I'll be ostracized from the community.
Jerry: What community? There's a community?
Elaine: Of course there's a community.
Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Agent: Sir, if you had read the contract--
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It was like the Declaration of Independence! Who's gonna read that?
• Rating: Unrated

Jerry: (Opening monologue) Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me? I would like a car alarm like that.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jerry: (Closing monologue) I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0